Peebles Family

Digital Project Life Year 2012

2012-02-10T09:26:00.000-07:00

A Day In The Life Of Conner

2012-02-06T09:50:00.003-07:00

Little Moments Jan 14th

2012-01-14T22:53:00.000-07:00

Kaylie:

A few months ago Kaylie was bucked off of Koda. To no surprise she has not wanted to get on Koda again out of fear. Last Saturday Brandon decided to ride Koda while he was up at his parents house. I was outside taking pictures when Kaylie decided for the first time in a while to say "hi" to Koda. It was pretty cute. I’m so glad she has decided that horses are her favorite animal again. Have I told you that she wants to become a veterinarian when she grows up? She’s decided this two years ago. That and a swim coach and a professional dancer.

It’s fairly clear that Kaylie is our most challenging child. She’s very bright and loving BUT on the flip side she challenges EVERYTHING and she likes to boss just about everyone around. We have tried many different ways to discipline her and I think that we finally found one. Brandon saw it while watching Harry Potter. We make her write sentences. “I will not . . .” The first offence is twenty times, the second thirty and so on until it’s a new week. The first time she did this she said “Oh, this is so easy.” Well now all we have to say is “go get a piece of paper and pencil” and she changes her attitude immediately. It’s very effective.

Over the Christmas holiday I saw a lot of maturity in her. My kids went back to school fairly soon after the babies were born so they were able to really bond with the babies for the first time over the Christmas Holiday and I used their help a lot. There was one moment when both babies were screaming. I told Kaylie to come get Cameron for me. She was very hesitant to because he was so upset but I told her I really needed the help. She took him back to his room, rocked him, and in a soft mellow voice she sang him some songs. I was very pleasantly surprised to see this. I couldn’t believe how mature she was acting. She also changed Sierra’s dirty diaper perfectly. She is a wonderful helper.

Kaylie is VERY excited that she is literally about ½ inch away from the floor on her right splits. She can lay her head on the ground when she does the middle splits and she is almost to the floor during the middle splits. She is also so excited to start basketball.

Ashlynn:

Ashlynn loves to hold babies. She was able to hold and play and take care of the babies so much over the holiday that when school started she literally ached for the babies while she is at school. She sheds her coat and backpack when she gets home and runs right to the babies and loves on them.

She got in trouble for the first time at school the other day. She came home and told me that Mrs. Jones came out of her class and yelled to her “You are being very irresponsible.” I asked her what she was doing and she said “what everyone else is doing.”

Ashlynn has always played with the girls in our neighborhood at recess. I guess about a month ago they started to run away from Ashlynn during recess and that really hurt her feelings. All of those girls are in the same class at school except Ashlynn. I think Ashlynn and one of the girls were mad and each other and this is why she and the other girls were running away. Finally one day after she cried about it I asked her if she has any friends in her class at school. She replied “well, yeah.” I asked “Who?” She listed a bunch of girl’s names so I told her “then play with them at recess. They won’t run away from you.” Since then she was made quite a few new friends. It was like an “a ha” moment. A week ago she told me that her “old friends” want to play with her again and the one whom she was mad at said “let’s never fight again” so now she has a ton of friends at school.

Conner:

Conner got Cameron to laugh for a long time the other day. He can also get Sierra to laugh. The babies love him!!

About a month ago Brandon convinced Conner to throw his old torn, worn out boots in the garbage. I was shocked to see them in the bathroom garbage can. Now he keeps telling me “Mom, I need new boots. Will you please buy me some?”

Remember when I told you that I was going to sign him up for sports? He started Basketball two weeks ago. It’s not a league, just a clinic and he LOVES it!! Brandon is shocked. Conner comes home and practices dribbling in the house . . . and I’m ok with that because he enjoys it so much. We are going to start karate after Sierra’s heart surgery.

Cameron:

He is one big ball of sunshine!! He is so social. He LOVES to be around people and to be involved. Everyone just has to hold and love on him and he loves it. He makes all the nurses and doctors and neighbors and family members smile. They can’t help but love him and kiss him. What they don’t see is the other side of him. Because he loves so much attention he can get so ornery when he isn’t getting any! It can be a little exhausting.

Cameron is just about crawling. He can scoot himself everywhere. He will get up on all four a lot but he doesn’t have the coordination down yet. He is also eating solids but doesn’t love it too much, surprisingly. I feed him solids about once a day. He can also sit by himself for a little bit. I’m not ready for this phase, he needs to slow down a bit.

He still goes to bed at 6 – 6:30pm and sleeps really well. That is my only saving grace right now

6^th Month Appointment:

WEIGHT: 16.75 Ibs 35.52% (up from the .08% he was at when born and the 25.59% at 4 months)

HEIGHT: 25 inches 2.82% (up from the .07% at birth and the .58 at 4 months

Brandon is pretty “concerned” about this but I keep telling him NOT to worry!!

HEAD: 17.25 inches 66.71% (up from the 41.53% at 4 months)

Sierra:

She has made LEAPS and BOUNDS lately. She has been waking-up every 2 ½ - 3 hours since Thanksgiving to eat at night (then she goes right back to sleep). We were worried that she was wanting the attention but our Doctor and OT said that the fat will keep her healthier so let her eat as much as she wants, so we have and she is starting to get fat rolls. It is ADORABLE!! I L-O-V-E chubby babies. She looks so much healthier. For the past few nights she hasn’t been waking-up. We wake her up at 3am to eat but she’s going back to sleep. I’m hoping that she is over this waking up all the time.

She is really starting to make progress with her development. Her Doctor told me that she’s looking like a 4 month old, that makes me happy.

She’s starting to make a lot of eye contact. Her right eye muscle is underdeveloped but with her glasses she does really well. She can now hold and move her head really well. She still has to do stretches to help her and she hates the stretches. She cannot lift her head up yet. That is what we are working on.

The other day at Conner’s basketball clinic Sierra was watching this one little girl very intently. When the little girl turned Sierra’s way, Sierra gave her a huge grin every single time. It was so cute. That’s one of the first times I’ve seen her try to be social with someone outside of our family.

Brandon is really great with Sierra. He is so protective of her also. He wants everyone to love her as much as they do Cameron. I think that their spirits were close in heaven, I really do. He has a way with her that no one else does. She gets so excited when he comes home from work.

6^th Month Appointment:

WEIGHT: 16.75 Ibs 35.54% (up from the .08% at birth and the 1.87% at 2 months)

HEIGHT: 25 inches 2.82% (up from the .58% at 4 months)

HEAD: 17.25 inches 66.71%

Last week she had an ultrasound of her heart down at Primary Children’s Hospital. They had her under anesthesia to see the hole much better. She couldn’t eat any milk starting at 10 pm the night before. She couldn’t have pedialite after 10am. So she went for 17 hours without any milk. That was the hardest part. She was such a trooper though. She cried a little bit but was really good!! Her oxygen levels were low for the next few days but they returned back to normal.

The Dr. said that the hole is boarder line but after consulting with two other doctors they all believe the catheter will fit. So she is scheduled to have the catheter put in this upcoming Friday.

LAST WEEKEND we got home from Salt Lake City late Friday night so we left the kids at Pam’s for the night. We both went to pick-up the kids the following morning. Brandon wanted to ride Koda and I needed to take pictures for the 52 week photography challenge I’m a part of this year. That night when we were home Kaylie complained that she wasn’t feeling well. Then at about 1:30am Ashlynn came running up the stairs complaining that she was going to throw-up. She did not but she did end up on our floor for the night. At about 2 am Conner came into our room and said “Mom I don’t want to get back in my bed because I just threw-up in it!” We cleaned his bed, his floor, the bathroom floor, and him and then went back to bed. It wasn’t 20 minutes before he was throwing up again. After the fourth time we just grabbed his blanket and pillow and let him sleep on the bathroom floor for the night. I was so worried about the babies getting sick but me and Brandon cleaned everything and made everyone wash their hands all the time. The kids were not allowed to be around them all day Sunday. Guess what, they didn’t get sick. We were so relieved.

Pictures I Took That Day

Kids Picture

2012-01-08T16:18:00.000-07:00

I set up an appointment over the Christmas Holiday with one of my most favorite and talented and expensive photographers to have some pictures taken of Sierra, Cameron, and some done with all my kids. The day of the scheduled photo shoot Heidie called and cancelled. She had strep throat. So we scheduled for a week later. Again she called and cancelled because their car broke down in Boise and they couldn't get it fixed in time. I was pretty disappointed about the whole thing. I really wanted a nice picture of all my kids together. I decided not to let it get me down but instead figure out what to do. I decided to make my own little studio and try to take the picture myself.
Last Sunday we had all the kids ready when right before we went to take it Sierra decided to sleep. She was a monster for the next 5, yes FIVE hours, when we tried to wake her up for the picture. It's easy to say that I was quite disappointed. I finally gave up.

So this Sunday rolled around and we tried it again. Conner was pretty sick. I forgot to change out of manuel so the settings aren't perfect BUT I got one and it's not really that bad. I know it's not perfect, but not bad either.

In fact, I'm quite happy with the finished product. If anything . . . I saved a few hundred dollars.

I wanted the very traditional black clothes with jean look.

Little Moments

2011-12-31T11:59:00.000-07:00

Kaylie: I love hearing Kaylie's school stories. The other day she came home upset. When I asked her what was wrong she explained "I was practicing my bird dance all by myself during recess and these boys in Mrs. Cousin's class started to laugh at me" as big tears rolled down her face. She's such a sweet heart.

Last week she told me that she was practicing her splits at recess and Zachery in her class said, "That looks like it hurts"! Apparently my daughter practices her dance stuff all the time at school. She loves dance.

At parent teacher conference her teacher told us that she was going to move Kaylie to 4th grade on her accelerated math (I know nothing about accelerated math so I don't really know if this is an accomplishment or not). We went home and told Kaylie this. She started yelling "NOOOO!! Tell my teacher I'm stupid. I don't want harder math!" So far she is still getting 100 percent on her tests so either the teacher didn't move her forward or she's doing just fine with 4th grade math. I had to work so hard for good grades; Kaylie doesn't understand how lucky she is.

Our Biggest concern. My girls were allowed to wear their pajamas to school Wednesday. When they came home from school their pants were soaked from the snow. Ashlynn literally walked in the door and stripped off her pants right in the door way.
Kaylie said to her "Ashlynn go put some pants on. That is knotty, that is Sexy." I walk out of my room and ask Kaylie "What did you say to her" not believing what I heard.
She repeated herself so I asked where she heard that word because she did not hear it from our house. She told me that she heard it from a friend at school so they looked it up in the dictionary to see what it meant.
"WHAT! You looked it up in the dictionary" those words were screaming in my head because it's right by the other word.
It concerns me that she heard it from a friend BUT what really scared me was that she used it in the correct context (for the most part). I told Brandon about this as he stared at me with wide eyes. I asked him if he thinks we need to have "that discussion" about s * e * x. He says "yeah, YOU need to sit down with her this Christmas vacation and tell her how horrible the s * e * x word is and that she is not aloud to say it in any form of context." I couldn't help but laugh. There are a group of boys in her class that are very inappropriate and Kaylie has been coming home with questions about inappropriate things. I don't want her to hear about s * e * x from anyone other than me but we both feel that she's a little too young for that discussion. It's very scary what our kids hear from school . . . and on the radio, for example "I'm sexy and I know it."

One last note about her. Today she got up and made all of us eggs with cheese and diced ham in it. I had no idea because I was busy getting Sierra ready for her Occupational Therapist. She is so thoughtful and caring. She is such a sweetheart.

Ashlynn:

I love to have one on one time with Ashlynn. When we are together she will talk my ear off. The other day she started to tell me about the "pop - lar" girls at school. I asked her what made them so popular. She said "Their clothes are always so perfect and their hair is never crazy. Their hair is perfect too. And they act so perfect." I wish you could hear how she said all of these things. It was so funny. What she said next makes me LOVE her so much because this explains our Ashlynn and how she is. She then said, "I like my crazy hair. I don't want to be perrrrfect! What’s fun about being perfect all the time? Our family is crazy and that's what I like." I love our Ashlynn.

Ashlynn takes such good care of the babies. The other day Sierra was crying really hard when Ashlynn walked in and asked if she could hold her. I said "Oh Ashlynn, she's pretty upset." Her response was "I don't care if she's crying; I love her so much I'll hold her while she cries."

Conner:

The first time Sierra's occupational therapist came over Conner kept scowling at her. He had just turned 5 years old and Brandon gave him a nerf gun for his birthday. When Alicia was done he followed her outside, hopped on his bike and rode his bike toward her shouting "I'm going to shoot you." She got these wide eyes and responded "Oh, I hope not." He closed his eyes so there was only a slit and said in a serious voice, "You had better run because I'm going to shoot you." She looked and him and hopped in her car and drove off as Conner pointed his Nerf gun at her and made the shooting sounds. NOW before you judge me you have to know that I'm sitting here laughing while I write this. Since that incident we have told Conner that we don't point toy guns at other people and we don't talk like that. Alicia has learned that Conner really is OK. He's all fun and games.

What has really surprised me are the relationships he has with his little girl friends. I heard that Kate in our neighborhood kissed him a few months ago and his other little friend Alex (girl) likes to pretend that they get married. He tells me that they dance (together) all the time. Randomly the other day Conner asked Brandon if he will get married when he's a man. Brandon said yes. Then we asked him who he would marry and he said "well Alex is 5 like me so I'll marry Alex. Riley and Macy are 4 so they can get married." Brandon looked at me as we both listened in disbelief. Poor Kate :)

Riley in our ward has become his BEST friend. They play all the time. Since Riley is one of 5 boys in the family their play is all boy play. The other day they dressed up in these army costumes that Cassie made her boys for Halloween and were playing with guns. I love it!! It's so good for Conner to be around all the boys. Riley has two little twin brothers who really love it when Conner comes to play. Cassie tells me that they love to hug him and they always have to touch and be around Conner. She said that Conner tells them that they are his two favorite little guys. I love it. Being boys Conner and Riley can get very competitive . . . which isn't a bad thing but it can come between them sometimes.

Ashlynn and Conner play so well together, but often Ashlynn has him dancing with her. After their winter dance performance Conner told me that he wants to dance like the girls. If Brandon heard this he would ask Conner "are you a girl?" Knowing that Brandon would ask him this Conner said "There is a boy that dances with Kaylie. He's not a girl". There is a boy that dances on Kaylie's dance team and he's good. It's a hard argument. So I told Brandon it's time to sign Conner up in some winter sports. Yes SPORTS. I signed him up in Basketball and we are looking into karate. I'm excited for the basketball.

Conner can be aggressive but he is very sweet and tender. Whenever he gets two pieces of candy at preschool he saves one for me and insists that I eat it. He also loves "his" babies. Almost every day he comes home from preschool and asks "did the babies miss me?" and they do. Sierra smiles when she just hears his voice. He literally can't wait until Cameron is old enough to play with him. He likes to pretend wrestle with Cameron but is so gentle and sweet to Sierra. I absolutely adore Conner.

Cameron:

He is growing up so fast. He is such a happy little baby. He smiles ALL the time. He smiles so easily.

He has been rolling over for a few months now but it was about 2-3 weeks ago when he really started to role all over. Now he hates to be on his back. He has to be on his belly. Just a week ago he decided that he likes to sleep on his belly with his face smothered in a blanket, an arm pit (I know :) ) or a crib bumper. It bothered me the first few times I saw him do this, but he's OK. He's strong enough to move around if he can't breathe.
Just a week ago over night he started to put things into his mouth. He is always chewing on everything. He is also drooling. He soaks his clothes. We can see two teeth coming up.

He is scooting everywhere. It is only a matter of time before he is crawling.

Whenever I change his clothes he laughs so hard. I don't know if it's because he's so ticklish or if he thinks I'm playing with him. When we try to change his clothes he gets so tense that he makes it near impossible to change his clothes. He's been like this since birth. With me he thinks it's a game. I try not to hurt him while prying his shirt off.

He demands a lot of attention during the day when he's awake but he's such an amazing sleeper. He goes to bed at 6:30 pm and sleeps until 7 am. We give him a bottle once during the night because Sierra still wakes up to eat but he often falls asleep before he's done.

Sadly Sierra gets fussy when he's by her but that's because he is often picking on her. If I lay him by her he immediately goes for her glasses so he can chew on them. She use to cry when he tore them off of her, but not anymore. He will grab her hands and then suck on them, he will pock around at her face . . . she is so weak she can't defend herself. It's cute that he is so interested in her.

Sierra:

Sierra has never been so healthy. She has a cry for the first time in her life. Because she is healthy she is so happy. She smiles almost as easily as Cameron. She loves her sisters and really loves Conner (because he's around more).
She likes to suck her thumb.

She is also starting to put things in her mouth but it's not as obvious as Cameron because she can't hold toys very well. Her muscle tone is very weak.

She makes the most adorable cat calls and when she's in the right mood she can "talk" very loudly.

The other night she was asleep in bed when I hear this taping sound on the babies monitor. I walk in there to see what is causing the noise. Sierra was hitting the baby monitor with her fist on purpose. It was pretty cute. She was curious what that thing was.

I love being a mom!!

I Feel Like I Need To Explain Myself . . .

2011-12-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

I've had a few people make comments to me about this post and I want to clarify a few things. I was NOT trying to be negative. My negative comments were sarcasm. I would never put in words my negative feelings about myself or my life. I don't like to expose myself that way so those negative comments about how pathetic I am with my new year resolutions was sarcasm (something I learned from my dad).
Second, about exercising, I work at a fitness club. The Apple Athletic Club. I've trained a lot of people for their swim in triathlons. I've seen a lot of people lose weight and have success. Far too many times I watch people become obsessed with losing weight because it can become addicting. It feels good to lose weight. They get to wear clothes that look cute. They have tons of compliments about how good they look. They feel younger and better. Not horrible things but far too often the initial weight is never enough. In their mind they still see a little bump on their belly (from having babies) or there is still fat on their thighs or hips or arms or wherever and they become obsessed with trying to get rid of it all.

And then there are those who become obsessed with races and this is where I fall into. I love racing. It is addicting. It's exciting, but you really have to have a lot of time to train and time is not something I have right now because of the twins. I use to get up early and go to the gym at 5 am with Ali. I keep trying to do it now but it's so hard when I get little sleep. I'm trying to figure out what will work best for our family BUT my family will come first. I just don't have the time like I use to. I don't have family around that can watch the babies while I go and I cannot take the babies to the nursery at the gym like I use to with Conner. I just don't have a lot of options. I could just leave when Brandon gets home but it really is a lot of work to do the kid's homework, cook dinner, and take care of 5 kids without me there. That time of night is hard and I want a happy marriage.

So I decided not to have exercising as a goal because I don't want to become obsessed with my body and I need to make sure I put the needs of my family before my wants. I know that I will never look the way I did when I was in high school and that's because of my 5 beautiful children. It makes me sad when other women can't see how great they look. It's sad that they work out all the time when they could be home with their children. There are some women there who are at the gym 5 hours every day.

I hope this explains what my thoughts were in the other post and I always appreciate your comments and love. A friend text me the other morning and said some really sweet things that just made my day. Sometimes I think that I shouldn't blog anymore because my words don't come out right or it's too personal. I don't know how not to be personal.

Thank You

PS I was not talking about anyone who reads my blog. My friends who exercise really inspire me. I just have less time than they do right now and I have to except that, no matter how frustrating it is for me. I feel handicapped a lot of the time.

New Year Resolutions

2011-12-27T15:13:00.003-07:00

It's the time of year to make New Year Resolutions and I'm one of those type of people who actually enjoy making new year resolutions. Now that doesn't mean I'm successful.

Sadly, each year I have the same kind of list. I have a handful of spiritual, a handful of crafty, a handful of fitness, and a handful of family. What's really sad is that usually they are the EXACT same resolutions. Like I said, REALLY SAD. So I'm changing them and I'm NOT going to have a LONG list either.

It's all about Priorities:

I am NOT going to make any fitness goals. I've already signed up to run a marathon which doesn't seem like it will happen. My friend Karrie pointed out that I got swept up in the excitement of running one with my friends, and yes that is exactly what happened, but my friends didn't have twins last year. Also, whenever I focus too much on fitness my whole day and everything I do is planned around exercising and food, AND when I look in the mirror all I see are my imperfections. I start thinking that because I am heavier then I was in high school I'm not as pretty anymore. It's unhealthy. I don't need to focus so intently on those things. Plus if there are any goals I achieve in a year it's fitness ones because they are the funnest ones to do. At least I have fun running, spinning, and swimming. I'm already active so of course I'm going to achieve them or most of them. Plus working at a fitness club helps a bunch also. So NO fitness goals. This doesn't mean I'm not going to exercise or do any races this year.

Yes I have some spiritual ones. I remember a testimony that a respected neighbor bore last year. She said that her New Years Resolution the previous year was to spend more time in meaningful prayer and then she expressed how much it effected the relationships in her life. Her testimony really touched me.

Here is the List: Yep there is still a list - I'm just too imperfect not to have a list.

Temple Once a Month (Anyone want to do this one with me? It's too hard for me and Brandon to go together so we have been going separately for a while now).
Meaningful FHE EVERY week. I found this blog that I LOVE with wonderful FHE ideas. I made a similar plan as hers. This is my BIG goal this year.
Two service projects this year. My kids are so self absorbed. We want to teach them to serve others.
Read the whole Book of Mormon as a family

Make a recipe book of all my favorite recipes. This has been a goal for 10 years. I'm so pathetic . . .
Put together my 2011 photo book.
Organize loose photos
Organize all of Sierra's medical bills and important papers
Budget for groceries and kids clothes. I've never done this but I'm going to start because it's way too easy for me to spend too much money on clothes for my kids.
New batteries in fire alarms, get first aid kits (or replenish them), and get carbon dioxide alarms. Put together 72 hour kits.

I also have two other personal goals that I don't want to share.

I'm overwhelmed just looking at the list but I have 52 weeks to accomplish these goals. I know I can do it!! I just need to be dedicated.

I think I might post on the side bar of my blog how things are coming so I'm motivated to do them. Wish me luck.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T22:39:00.001-07:00

Merry Christmas 2011

Cameron LOVES this singing and dancing snowmen. He will laugh and giggle at it every time. So adorable.

Dance: Winter Show

2011-12-22T12:35:00.000-07:00

These pictures were taken at their dress rehearsal, during the performance, and at a half time show two weeks later.

Ashlynn's best form of dance is ballet. It should be because she goes to a ballet school on the days she doesn't go to Infinity. She really is beautiful when she does ballet. I still laugh how last year her ballet teacher at Infinity really struggled with Ashlynn and Gerti basically told me "It's OK if Ashlynn doesn't come back." It really tore me up because Ashlynn loves dance. They said she was not focused enough . . . but now a year later they love her. At the beginning of the year they started Ashlynn in the back of the group and now she has inched her way forward. She was front and center in her ballet dance and she's in the small group of five girls that starts the hip hop dance. I know this is bragging a little bit but I'm just so happy that they can finally see how much potential she has as a dancer. Last year Gerti told me that Ashlynn might not even make the team again and here she is dancing towards the front. It's a good thing mom's know how great their children are and it's a good thing we don't give up on them.

Practicing her ballet dance. As soon as I get the recording of it I'll post it.

Look how focused she is right here.

The name if their hip hop dance is

The Beiber Bops

The stage lights really reflect off of their silver leotards. Way cute dance though!!

Kaylie's Bird Dance

Spectacular

And this is why we dance with Infinity!!

Their dances are amazing. This bird dance is really going to be something spectacular.

Kaylie is in the back with her arm in the form of a V

Kaylie kind of flip flopped with Ashlynn. Last year Gerti loved Kaylie and she was always in the front but this year she is on a harder team and she is now often in the back. It really upset her for a long time but the dance teachers are really good at moving them around so they aren't always in the same position. She is going to have to work hard to prove to her teacher's that she is a good dancer . . . because she is. She still needs a lot of work but she really LOVES to dance.

I LOST all of the pictures I took of their Geisha dance and their ballet dance. :( They are somewhere on my computer, I just don't know where.

These are from the half time show

Kaylie is on the far right

Kaylie is on the far right but the second one back or

the second one diagonally back from the boy in blue.

Kaylie is in the back

I love her smile!!

Ashlynn still hasn't learned her second hip hop dance. They are just starting to work on it now. They are going to dance to Foot Loose. Kaylie is doing this bird dance and a geisha dance for competition. The ballet dances are never in the competitions though Infinity Studio is going to be doing a Neverland

Production in the spring. I am not a dancer. I didn't really care for my girls to dance but they both REALLY love dance and I have really grown to LOVE watching them. Some people might think that we are a little over board but I believe that if we are doing dance we are going to go all the way!

Sierra An Up Date

2011-12-16T16:46:00.000-07:00

Miracles. Do you believe in miracles? I was pretty devastated when we were told that Sierra has hydrocephalus. My mom's family wanted to fast for Sierra and of course I agreed to it. In fact I even decided to fast for Sierra (which is really hard to do when breast feeding two babies). Well, we had our own little miracle. When we got to Primary Children's Hospital the Dr. came in and said "She doesn't have hydrocephalus". The bump was pressure that had built-up in her head when she was sick over Thanksgiving. He then talked about her head shape a little bit but just wants to keep an eye on it. 15 minutes later we walked out of the Dr. office and headed home. We made it home in plenty of time for our girls big dance performance (pictures to come). Our pediatrician's nurse was shocked when we told her what the Dr. said. She said "it showed it on the film that she has hydrocephalus, that is crazy." It is crazy. I am not going to question any of it. We had our own little miracle and we are so grateful. I am so beyond worldly wants. My only desire in life right now is health, safety, and love for my family.

Sierra did catch another cold, right after the trip to Utah. Cameron first got it and then gave it to Sierra. We were trying everything we could at home to keep her out of the hospital. By Tuesday her cough was really upsetting to listen to so I took her into the Doctors office. We were there for TWO hours. I am so grateful that Ali took Cameron for me and that Conner was at his friends house. We begged the Dr. not to put her in the hospital again. He agreed but had us get a few things we didn't have yet. Now we are all set up like a hospital room in our house. THANKFULLY we have AWESOME insurance. He also put her on a steroid, albuterol, and amoxicillin. He believed that she has pneumonia or something with her lungs again and then he diagnosed her with Asthma. Yep asthma. Her oxygen levels were significantly better after the breathing treatments so he believes that she has asthma. I can handle asthma, but after our one really scary experience with Conner it also scares me. Asthma makes sense though. If you heard her cough you would shudder. He is going to start a long term treatment for her after she is over this illness.

ALSO

Sierra met with Dr. Judd the cardiologist this week. The EKG showed an enlarged heart. Sierra's heart can not keep up with her body anymore. The Doctor also said that heart problems can exasperate respiratory problems. She wants to close the hole. We have an ultrasound of her heart scheduled in four weeks. Dr. Judd wants to see if the hole is long or short. IF it's long, she can close it with a catheter BUT if it's short then Sierra will have open heart surgery. Just saying it makes my heart sink. Here is the catch 22. Sierra has to stay healthy for 3 weeks before they will do anything. Sierra hasn't been healthy for 3 whole months. I don't know how we are going to accomplish this. Pray and Fast for another miracle I guess. We are going to go into hiding even more. I make the kids take their clothes off when they get home from school and they have to scrub their hands. I might need to quarantine the babies from everyone. I have mixed feelings about fixing her heart. It will fix a lot of her problems, but I don't want my baby to go through surgery.

Going through all of this can be very lonely. It's hard for Brandon to comfort me when he is also experience all the same fears and upsets that I am. When we first found out about Sierra I asked my Bishop why the Lord lets our little ones suffer life this way and his response was to help us understand or turn to (I can't remember but both work) the atonement. I did not understand his answer at the time, but I've thought a lot about it since. I am just starting to understand it now. I can't share my feelings on this subject because I can't quite put into words all of my feelings but I will say that my Bishop was right. Sierra is SOOO special. I have never been so sad in my life (at moments) but I have never been so happy either. My life would not be fulfilled without Sierra in it. My family is not full without her. She has taught and changed me in ways that nothing nor anyone could. She has brought me perspective that I would never have. I love Sierra. She is my world.

Sierra

2011-11-29T16:36:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving this year is one I will never forget. We had just met with Sierra's geneticist, ENT, and (new Dr.) Pulmonologist the previous week and all three warned us that if Sierra caught a cold then she would most likely be hospitalized. Well, not even a week later she caught a cold. Tuesday night her Pediatrician admitted her to the hospital and yes we were there for Thanksgiving. She was diagnosed with bronchiolitis and a partial collapsed lung. They had her on oxygen while there and noticed that her oxygen levels dropped lower then they are comfortable with at night time. They also noticed that her retractions improved while on oxygen so now (at home) she is on oxygen 24 hrs. a day. All the Doctors are hoping that Sierra's cardiologist will decided to close her PDA which should fix a lot of Sierra's problems.

My oldest children spent Thanksgiving at my mother-in-law, Brandon was home with Cameron, and I was at the hospital with Sierra.

Sunday night while getting Sierra ready for bed I noticed a small bump on her head. I pointed it out to Brandon and he just kind of blew it off. Monday morning when I woke-up the bump was significantly larger. I started to cry. I knew what it meant. We had a follow-up appointment with our pediatrician that day so I pointed it out and he confirmed my fears. Sierra has been diagnosed with hydrocephalus. The worst diagnosis so far.

I never knew my heart could hurt so much.

We have an appointment to meet with a neurologist Dec. 8th. We are praying that the hydrocephalus does not progress. They will most likely put a shunt inside her brain to drain the fluid to prevent brain damage.

I really appreciate all the love everyone has shown towards my family. I never knew so many people read my blog. I know the Lord is watching out for us. Four neighbors called yesterday "just because" (because the spirit prompted them to) they had no idea anything was going on. I don't have much to say about this. Just cry.

Who Looks Like Who?

2011-11-18T09:11:00.000-07:00

I've been asked a lot who Cameron and Sierra looks like. When I tell them that Cameron looks JUST like Conner did when he was a baby I often hear "Really?" in disbelief. Yes Conner is a Blondie now with some strong Monson features, but as babies those two could have been twins.

Conner is on top and Cameron is on bottom. They don't have the same eyes or nose, but they have the same smile, same mannerisms, same face shape, same hair, and same eye color. Just so adorable.

Here are some other pictures of my Babies.

Kaylie at Birth (Sierra at 4 months still fits into this outfit)

Kaylie at 2 months

Ashlynn at birth

Ashlynn at 2 months (yes I have chubby wubby babies and I LOVE it!)

Conner at birth

Conner at 2 months (I think that Conner and Kaylie look similar at two months)

Sierra at birth (so jaundice in this pictures)

Cameron at birth

Sierra at 2 months ( I think she resembles Ashlynn here, what do you think?)

Cameron at 2 months

I love my BABIES. Just seeing their pictures makes me happy. I wish I had a good camera with SOME photography skills back when my other kids were babies. Oh well, at least I have some pictures.

Sierra has Glasses

2011-11-07T14:25:00.000-07:00

Her new trick, blowing bubbles!

She is so awesome . . . and adorable in glasses

Story Boards

2011-11-05T16:30:00.000-06:00

Here are a few other story boards I've put together. The Halloween story boards weren't the greatest examples. I am in love with these story boards. So PERFECT for our family photo journal. I'll have to post more as I do them and when I add scrapbooking stuff to them.

These are photo's of our San Diego Trip this spring. It was so much fun!

Halloween 2011 Part 2

2011-11-03T22:25:00.000-06:00

So I finally bought some actions for my pictures and for the past few days I have been having so much fun with them. On top of that I am putting together a photo - journal book. I started to do one with blurb but HATED the program. The pages weren't looking how I wanted, plus I want the pictures to be high quality. So I looked at Shutterfly but I didn't like the page set ups. So this week I've been teaching myself how to make story boards. I LOVE IT!! Here are some story boards. I need to get my digital scrapbook supplies off of my desk top and put them on my lap top so I can embellish the pages a little bit.

So you can't see the white paper underneath the photos so here it is in orange.

I took some pictures of my little sis while they were here for the blessing. Here is one where I used the actions. She's so beautiful.

ok, i had to post one more.

Halloween 2011 Part 1

2011-10-31T21:00:00.000-06:00

I love Halloween. It has always been one of my favorite holidays.

We have always dipped cut apples on Halloween but I've never

done the whole apple because I always have such a hard time eating a whole

caramel dipped apple, but this year I decided to try it.

It was sooooo GOOD. We will never go back to cut apples again. It was also easy.

We dipped them in crushed heath bars and chopped pecans.

The kids LOVED them.

They decided to sit out in the trunk of the SUV and eat them. We have had a lot of car problems lately. Our SUV went into the shop today again . It's time for a new car.

Like eveything in Kaylie's life, she had an idea of how she wanted her pumpkin to look.

Getting messy is always up Ashlynn's alley. She really enjoyed the project. She scooped out her's, mine, and Brandons. Such a trooper.

The TWINS were so good while we did all this fun stuff. We would walk by them and they would smile. They are both so cute.

More to come . . .

She's a different Baby!!

2011-10-29T15:58:00.000-06:00

Sierra is so happy now. Ever since she has been on the medicine she has turned into a different baby. She smiles all the time. She smiles at the kids and they get so excited. I'm so glad she is feeling a lot better.

She looks like she's going to gobble you up. So adorable.

I love how her tongue is everywhere.

WE LOVE OUR SIERRA!!

Kaylie

2011-10-28T21:24:00.000-06:00

Some much has changed for Kaylie this year. It's fun to hear her come home from school and tell me all about the things that happened at school that day. The whole BOY/GIRL thing has started. She will come and tell me this girl likes this boy and this boy. This one boy likes this one girl. So and so told me that this boy likes me. I've asked her what boy she likes and she always says "no one". I actually believe her because I remember when she did have a crush. It was her first. The little boy Coy who lived behind us also had a crush on her. He moved about a year and half ago. She will talk about certain boys, but only as friends.

In her class the kids are also starting to pass notes all the time. She came home one day and told me that she found a note on her desk and it said "You're not my friend". It made her really sad. She doesn't know who sent it . . . it makes me sad, but it's apart of growing up and learning how to be friends -- I guess.

Kaylie has always excelled at school. She gets 100 on all her tests and doesn't really have to study for them at all -- I wish I had it that easy when I was in school. So you can imagine my surprise when her teacher (the teacher that EVERYONE complained about because supposedly she is not a good teacher at all) called me one day after school and asked me to come get Kaylie's math homework to have her re due it. Apparently she had missed a lot of the questions and her teacher wanted to give her another chance to get them right. When we went over the questions with her at night she knew the answers, she just wasn't paying attention to what she was doing.

Just yesterday Kaylie came home and said "guess what happened at school mom!"
Me, "What?"
Kaylie, "We had a substitute, Mr. Worst. Can you believe that name? And he was the WORST!"
Me, "Why?"
Kaylie, "We were taking the spelling test and I said something during the test and he said 'no talking during the test'. Then I had a question so I raised me hand and he said again 'no questions during the test'. The he said 'Number seven' and paused. He didn't say the word so I asked without raising my hand what the word was and he rudely came over and took my test away" as she folded her arms and scowled. "He's the Worst!"
Me, "Did he give you your test back?"
Her, "No, I never finished my test."
Hmmmm. I don't quite know what to think about this one. Normally I would contact the teacher right away, but this time I'm just going to wait until parent teacher's conference.

Last year she wanted to wear a hooded sweatshirt to school every day. So when I took her school shopping I wasn't planning on buying her any really girly girl clothes. I was shocked when she wanted them. I told her I would not buy them if she wasn't going to wear them and she promised she would. Surprisingly she is. She loves to look girly girl now. I also can't believe how long her hair has become.

I'm glad to hear that she fits in and has a lot of friends but I'm also sad because I don't hear that much about one of her best friends anymore. It doesn't sound like this friend fits in very well. I ask about her all the time and half of the time Kaylie will tell me that she played with her at school but the other half of the time I'm hearing that this friend gets mad at Kaylie. It's sounding like she's mad at Kaylie because Kaylie has made other friends and these friends don't care to be friends with this girl. It's VERY important to me that Kaylie tries to include this friend. I want to make sure Kaylie is taught what's important in life. Popularity is NOT important. I really hope that this girl was not the one who left a note on Kaylie's desk saying "I'm not your friend".

Kaylie was invited to go to a Halloween Party tonight at one of her new friends house. She was so excited. She has been talking about Halloween for MONTHS. She is obsessed with being a vampire and she had to look PERFECT. I'll show you pictures after Halloween. She is such a planner. She is always thinking ahead. Because of this she sounds demanding and ungrateful, but really it's just because she's a planner. One night during the summer I was laying on the tramp with the kids when she says out of the blue "When I have a boy friend I'm going to go on a moonlight picnic." WHAT!! No she isn't obsessed with boys, she's just a planner and because of her incredible memory, she remembers and thinks about everything.

I have so much more I could talk about but I've got to go give the babies a bath. I just have to add that Kaylie's vocabulary astounds me. She uses adult words ALL the time. She sounds very intellectual. What's even funnier is when she comes home and says things like "I got Kaylee Crawford's phone number so you can call her mom and you guys can 'bond'!" What! Seriously. And she was very serious. I couldn't help but laugh. Or "I want to call Macy to (big Grin) 'hang-out'." Nope, she's not a kid anymore, she's a little tween!

Canning

2011-10-25T09:24:00.000-06:00

There is something magical about this time of year --- canning season. I love preserving fruits and vegetables, capturing the wonderful fresh flavors of the garden in a bottle. It's as magical as capturing a firefly to watch them glow. Often what motivates me in life is the past. I don't actually ever remember canning with my mom (though I know that I did) I do remember eating peaches from cans growing up. My first year of college I packed a few bottles of pickled beets in my suitcase and took them with me (luckily they didn't brake, purple is not my favorite color). I didn't really plan on canning this year, but as summer started to come to an end, I couldn't let all this fresh food go to waist. I ordered a bushel of peaches and a bushel of pears to be canned. Some women in the ward had offered to can them for me, but it kind of fell through so I canned them on my own. It really wasn't that bad. I broke the project up so the babies weren't completely neglected and I made Brandon help me some. I even canned one more 1/2 bushel of peaches for my mother in law.

Ashlynn LOVES helping me can. Kaylie did not want to help with the peaches this time, so I didn't make her. Brandon and Ashlynn were a huge help!!

I LOVE canned peaches because I grew-up on them. They are so good. I literally can not let a year go by without canning peaches.

No Pictures of the Pears :(

Then my friend Cassie had left over beans from her garden (mine did very poorly this year) and brought over a bag full of them for me to can. I was so excited.

Ashlynn cleaning the beans

Kaylie putting them in cans

Then another friend from church, Andrea, asked if I wanted a gallon of cucumbers to pickle. Again I was excited because mine cross pollinated with my watermelon (I know better then to put them close). She ended up bringing me 5 gallons. I made A LOT and then gave the rest to Ali and Brad.

I also bought 9 dozen bags of sweet corn to freeze. Brandon was suppose to help me but he left to go hunting the night I had to do it. Let's just say I wasn't to happy. Ashlynn shucked over 100 ears of corn for me that night (for 2 dollars of course). Kaylie helped a little bit, but easily got bored.

Then I regrettably bought 3 flats of strawberries. I will never make that mistake again. I ended up giving Cassie ten cups of mashed strawberries and I still made 15 pints of freezer jam. It's a good thing I love strawberry jam.

This year I grew a LOT of tomatoes. when a lot of them were ripe, I would pick them and then freeze them. I have tomatoes taking over my freezer right now. I'm just waiting for the right time to can chili sauce.

I still have huckleberries in the freezer and I have pictures of apples I haven't gone through yet. Yes, I think I over canned this year . . . but all this wonderful food is totally worth it!!!

Blessing Day

2011-10-25T08:06:00.000-06:00

We blessed the twins on October 9th. We are so lucky to have so much family who came for the blessing. It was a great weekend.

Me and Brandon

My Parents

Brandon's Parents

Brandon's Grandparent Hilton's

Me and my babes

My little sister Catherine

Doesn't she look so preciouse??

There were a lot more people there, but they all seemed to leave before I remembered to get the camera out.

Let me explain myself . . .

2011-10-23T10:57:00.000-06:00

Let me explain myself when I wrote my blog post "Survival Mode". Life has been tough for the past two weeks. Sierra had three appointments in Utah over a week ago. The Urologist said that he doesn't ever need to see us again . . . the Opthamologist said that Sierra needs glasses because she is extremely far sighted (she's going to look adorable) but no glaucoma has developed on her eyes so she will not go blind (we are so excited about this, we can totally do glasses) and then the ENT was concerned about how "angry" and swollen her throat looks and is concerned about her cough and breathing. Since the appointment he has consulted with a Pulmonologist and a GI doctor and collectively they want to do exploratory surgery on Sierra to look at her lungs, throat, voice box, and esophagus. This is scheduled for November 4th. Now, while we were down there Sierra was not happy. She had starting throwing-up about once a day starting a week before. I don't know what would cause it. She would start coughing and then would often throw-up.  She threw-up on my only pair of jeans I brought down. Three different times. I'm sure I smelt WONDERFUL!! I tried to scrub them at the hotel, but that really didn't make a difference. Sierra was so miserable. It's also very hard to drive without another adult in the car because I have to pull over every time Sierra would start to cry. It is emotionally and physically taxing to go down by myself, I told Brandon that I couldn't do it again. He had to come from now on, or at least one of the older kids (to help in the car).
So I had left early Thursday and got home late Friday. Brandon left early Saturday morning to go hunting and when I got up that morning Sierra was even ornerier then before. She started having bowel movements about every hour and then there was a lot of black streaks in her poop. I called the Dr. office and they had me bring her in. While she was there she had another dirty diaper but this time there was blood in it. They thought it was a reaction to the protein in cow's milk so they said that I couldn't give her normal formula and breast milk anymore. They gave us this soy formula to give to her. This stuff smells HORRIBLE. They had us do two blood tests to make sure she hadn't lost too much blood and they took a culture of her poop. Through-out this past week she kept getting worse and worse. She stopped eating. Every day of mine was spent trying to get her to eat. I would spend two hours getting her to drink 2 ounces. Before all of this she was eating 3 1/2 to 4 ounces in about a 1/2 hrs. - 45minutes. She became very very weak, extremely fussy, her cough was horrible, and she would throw-up about everything she took in. She would literally just whimper all day long and hold her hands up close to her mouth for comfort. I called the doctors office and they said "it's just a bug, she'll get over it!" So we started to call the ENT. He was very concerned. I even took her in one day to get weighed and she was down a little bit. I started feeling frantic. My other kids, my house, everything was being neglected because I was so consumed with Sierra.

Brandon called me Friday morning from work to see how things were at home and I just broke down crying. I told him that I was watching Sierra waist away. She was sick, very sick and I'm not getting any help. We needed to do something. So he called Dr. Anderson (our favorite Dr.) at the Pediatric Center and told his AWESOME nurse Natalie that we needed to see him today. Dr. Anderson said that his day was full but to bring her in on his lunch break and he would see her. I didn't feel bad, I just felt grateful for his generosity. After his evaluation, a discussion with her emotional mother about what was going on (yes, I shed some tears); he made a few decisions that has changed everything. He had her get an ex ray and yep (just like I expected) she has pneumonia. He also had her do a swallow study but she did perfect there. She is just SLOW eating (we already knew that). Then he told us to switch back to breast milk and see if she started eating better again. He believes that the bleeding was caused by a scope that was done down in Utah the day before the bleeding started.

She is so much better today. The first time we gave her breast milk she ate 4 ounces. Then 5 ounces. I think it's safe to say that she hates the soy formula. If she does have a milk allergy then I will be going off of diary. Her cough is also going away. She is smiling again, in fact she almost laughed last night. She is sleeping, cooing, and getting stronger. We are so so happy to have our little girl back.

On top of all of this, Brandon had a cyst removed off of his neck and we all got flue shots/mist and I got the "fake flue" from it.

So, if I sounded like I'm depressed in that post, I was. If I sounded like I couldn't handle life, I couldn't. BUT, things are much better now.   I decided that I need help with my house, so we are going to hire someone to come in and help me clean once a week. I never thought I would do this, but I just don't have the time to deep clean my house anymore. This will help me stay sane.

I worded very badly one statement. I am so touched by my friends and family who have helped me so much and I've very surprised and grateful for those who didn't know me very well and those who aren't in my daily life who help me all the time. A friend in the ward showed up on my door step the morning after I wrote that post with a carton of rocky road ice cream.  There were eight scoops that were put in muffin cups so I didn't have to scoop them myself. Seriously, HOW SWEET! The people in my ward are so generous and thoughtful. I didn't even know she read my blog. Also two friends of mine brought me dinner even though I told them we didn't need them and Brandon's Grandma Hilton made us dinner last night. How can I complain! I can't. We are so blessed to be surrounded by people who care. Thank YOU for makeing my week easier!!

Beautiful Essay!!

2011-10-20T18:02:00.000-06:00

Emily Rapp is the author of “Poster Child: A Memoir,” and a professor of creative writing at the Santa Fe University of Art and Design.
Santa Fe, N.M.
MY son, Ronan, looks at me and raises one eyebrow. His eyes are bright and focused. Ronan means “little seal” in Irish and it suits him.
I want to stop here, before the dreadful hitch: my son is 18 months old and will likely die before his third birthday. Ronan was born with Tay-Sachs, a rare genetic disorder. He is slowly regressing into a vegetative state. He’ll become paralyzed, experience seizures, lose all of his senses before he dies. There is no treatment and no cure.
How do you parent without a net, without a future, knowing that you will lose your child, bit by torturous bit?
Depressing? Sure. But not without wisdom, not without a profound understanding of the human experience or without hard-won lessons, forged through grief and helplessness and deeply committed love about how to be not just a mother or a father but how to be human.
Parenting advice is, by its nature, future-directed. I know. I read all the parenting magazines. During my pregnancy, I devoured every parenting guide I could find. My husband and I thought about a lot of questions they raised: will breast-feeding enhance his brain function? Will music class improve his cognitive skills? Will the right preschool help him get into the right college? I made lists. I planned and plotted and hoped. Future, future, future.
We never thought about how we might parent a child for whom there is no future. The prenatal test I took for Tay-Sachs was negative; our genetic counselor didn’t think I needed the test, since I’m not Jewish and Tay-Sachs is thought to be a greater risk among Ashkenazi Jews. Being somewhat obsessive about such matters, I had it done anyway, twice. Both times the results were negative.
Our parenting plans, our lists, the advice I read before Ronan’s birth make little sense now. No matter what we do for Ronan — choose organic or non-organic food; cloth diapers or disposable; attachment parenting or sleep training — he will die. All the decisions that once mattered so much, don’t.
All parents want their children to prosper, to matter. We enroll our children in music class or take them to Mommy and Me swim class because we hope they will manifest some fabulous talent that will set them — and therefore us, the proud parents — apart. Traditional parenting naturally presumes a future where the child outlives the parent and ideally becomes successful, perhaps even achieves something spectacular. Amy Chua’s “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” is only the latest handbook for parents hoping to guide their children along this path. It’s animated by the idea that good, careful investments in your children will pay off in the form of happy endings, rich futures.
But I have abandoned the future, and with it any visions of Ronan’s scoring a perfect SAT or sprinting across a stage with a Harvard diploma in his hand. We’re not waiting for Ronan to make us proud. We don’t expect future returns on our investment. We’ve chucked the graphs of developmental milestones and we avoid parenting magazines at the pediatrician’s office. Ronan has given us a terrible freedom from expectations, a magical world where there are no goals, no prizes to win, no outcomes to monitor, discuss, compare.
But the day-to-day is often peaceful, even blissful. This was my day with my son: cuddling, feedings, naps. He can watch television if he wants to; he can have pudding and cheesecake for every meal. We are a very permissive household. We do our best for our kid, feed him fresh food, brush his teeth, make sure he’s clean and warm and well rested and ... healthy? Well, no. The only task here is to love, and we tell him we love him, not caring that he doesn’t understand the words. We encourage him to do what he can, though unlike us he is without ego or ambition.
Ronan won’t prosper or succeed in the way we have come to understand this term in our culture; he will never walk or say “Mama,” and I will never be a tiger mom. The mothers and fathers of terminally ill children are something else entirely. Our goals are simple and terrible: to help our children live with minimal discomfort and maximum dignity. We will not launch our children into a bright and promising future, but see them into early graves. We will prepare to lose them and then, impossibly, to live on after that gutting loss. This requires a new ferocity, a new way of thinking, a new animal. We are dragon parents: fierce and loyal and loving as hell. Our experiences have taught us how to parent for the here and now, for the sake of parenting, for the humanity implicit in the act itself, though this runs counter to traditional wisdom and advice.
NOBODY asks dragon parents for advice; we’re too scary. Our grief is primal and unwieldy and embarrassing. The certainties that most parents face are irrelevant to us, and frankly, kind of silly. Our narratives are grisly, the stakes impossibly high. Conversations about which seizure medication is most effective or how to feed children who have trouble swallowing are tantamount to breathing fire at a dinner party or on the playground. Like Dr. Spock suddenly possessed by Al Gore, we offer inconvenient truths and foretell disaster.
And there’s this: parents who, particularly in this country, are expected to be superhuman, to raise children who outpace all their peers, don’t want to see what we see. The long truth about their children, about themselves: that none of it is forever.
I would walk through a tunnel of fire if it would save my son. I would take my chances on a stripped battlefield with a sling and a rock à la David and Goliath if it would make a difference. But it won’t. I can roar all I want about the unfairness of this ridiculous disease, but the facts remain. What I can do is protect my son from as much pain as possible, and then finally do the hardest thing of all, a thing most parents will thankfully never have to do: I will love him to the end of his life, and then I will let him go.
But today Ronan is alive and his breath smells like sweet rice. I can see my reflection in his greenish-gold eyes. I am a reflection of him and not the other way around, and this is, I believe, as it should be. This is a love story, and like all great love stories, it is a story of loss. Parenting, I’ve come to understand, is about loving my child today. Now. In fact, for any parent, anywhere, that’s all there is.

Survival

2011-10-18T13:24:00.000-06:00

So I've heard the term "survival mode" often in relief society. Someone would mention it and the room full of mothers and Grandmothers would chuckle a little bit reflecting on those moments in their own lives when they were in survival mode. Sometimes I even quietly laughed because I presumed that I have lived through those periods of life. I thought it was those moments when I felt so overwhelmed by life I had to muster-up everything inside of me to get my list done for the day. Sometimes I would get it all done and reward myself with a bowl full of ice cream at night when the kids were asleep in their beds. Other times I would only get some of those things done on my list and swear to do better tomorrow.
REALLY I had no clue what survival mode was. I was so ignorant . . . or naive. The process of gaining this knowledge has "aged us 20 years in 3 months" as Brandon said last night.

Now I can say that I really do know what "survival mode" is. In survival mode I don't even make a list because I know that I won't be able to get anything done. My day is occupied with taking care of my kid's basic needs and try to take a shower and brush my teeth on top of that and then it's time for bed. I deserve a bowl of rocky road ice cream by the end of the day. No . . . I deserve 10 bowls of rocky road ice cream but by the time I have raced the clock to get my kids in bed by 8 pm I am too wiped out to stand in the kitchen and scoop up a bowl of ice cream. In fact, I will just lay in bed staring at the TV, not caring that Brandon's watching football or a lame hunting show, convincing myself that this is "me time" but really just wanting to go to bed. In fact I would go to bed, but at 9 pm we start with the babies baths, feeding, then I pump and when all that is done and the babies are in their little yellow hammocks propped up on the side of our bed asleep; then I can give-in to my exhausted body, lay my head down and go to sleep.

If I try to shove somethings into my day that makes me feel normal, I usually regret it later because I spend days (sadly sometimes weeks) to recover from those moments of weakness (like when I spend the day making apple sauce last week).

I was told in a blessing that friends and family would step up and help me during this period in my life. I find it very hard to let other's help me, but in survival mode I try to fight it at first (which usually scares off 3/4 of those who initially offer) but then I just give in. I would have thought that my closest friends and family member's would have been the ones who help me the most (not that they haven't) but I'm deeply touched by those who weren't even my friends (weren't is used as past tense) or by those who moved away but since the birth of my twins have come over on a weekly basis, and by those family members who don't even live by me. Cassie Davis in my ward calls to have Conner come and play usually twice a week. WHAT A BLESSING. I feel bad that I rarely have Riley over but Cassie not only gets past my initial resistance, she some how makes me feel like I am actually doing her a favor "because it keeps Riley out of her hair" as she puts it. She totally understands survival mode because she has been where I am and through so much more. I wonder -- I hope that someone was there for her when she had her twins. If I only knew . . . I would have been there.

Next time someone causally mentions "survival mode" in relief society I don't think I'll be laughing . . . or maybe my hope is that one day I can look back at this moment of life and laugh knowing I survived.

Now I have to spend the rest of the day catching-up on the 20 minutes I spent to write this post . . . .

Cameron is Two Months Old

2011-10-01T09:52:00.001-06:00

From the very first few days home from the hospital we kept commenting on how Cameron just acts two to three weeks older then Sierra. He has always acted full term.

Cameron is our HAPPY boy!!

He is always so happy. As long as his basic needs are met -food, sleep, and clean diapers - he is happy and content.

At the Doctors appointment

Weight 9 lbs 4 oz 1.87%

yesterday we took Sierra in for the follow-up and they weighed Cameron and he's 11 lbs 2 oz

Height 21 inches .66%

Head 15 inches 22%

When I first saw these percentiles I was confused because all my other children were in 75% and 100% and such - I was shocked to see such a low percentile. The nurse assured me that they will catch-up.

Cameron had a very hard time gaining weight at the beginning. He would gain and then lose, gain and then lose. About a month ago he just took off and isn't slowing down. He loves eating. He is great because he will breast feed, bottle feed, drink breast milk, and take formula. I've started to breast feed him a lot more because he will eat however much is given to him. When he breast feeds, he actually stops on his own. He can drink more then 6 oz in a feeding. That seems too much to me but the Dr. keeps telling us to give him what he wants. I worry that he doesn't know when to stop. I do think that he drinks a lot because he is ALWAYS spitting up. While we were at the Dr. office Cameron was swimming in his own spit-up. Seeing this, the Dr. finally put him on some strong medication for reflex. Now he keeps a lot of his milk down where before he could not keep very much of it down at all.

He is so easy going. He can handle Ashlynn smothering him - he's tired by the end, but he can handle her.

Ashlynn is their mother hen. She even practices taking care of them with her babies. The only problem is that she can smother them too much. Give them too many kisses.

He likes his baths, until I get him out. He hates being cold.
He started to "goo" at six weeks. Baby noises are so adorable.
He is so smiley that he doesn't even have to see you to smile. If he hears your voice, he smiles. He is almost laughing also.

First Smile at six weeks old

look how tiny he is

His strength is incredible. In fact we are often coxing him to relax because she's always using those muscles. He was lifting his head after the first week at home. We think that's pretty remarkable for a month early baby.

His mannerisms are so much like Conner's. Cameron looks just like Conner did at 2 months old. I will be shocked if they don't look a lot alike as they get older.

When people come to visit they all want to hold Cameron because he is so adorable. It doesn't bother me because I understand that other's don't know how to react to Sierra's condition. Plus he smiles, almost laughs, and is just so dang cute. Sierra is quite a bit more fussy. She doesn't really smile for others but I do think she is just as adorable as Cameron.

I'm not sure why the Lord sent these two together but I do know what Cameron is so perfect for the situation. He brings so much happiness to our family.

Sierra is Two Months Old

2011-09-30T13:08:00.000-06:00

Technically she is now 10 weeks old . . . but I'm a little late on my journaling.

SIERRA IS OUR FIGHTER.

There have been a few doctor appointments so I will make them brief.

Here she was reaching out to me.

ENT Appointment (back at the beginning of September). She has Laryngomalacia. The two flaps in front of her voice box have collapsed over the opening making it hard for her to breathe which in turn makes it hard for her to eat. The flaps are also swollen because she has reflex (which we didn't know she had because it doesn't come up, it just pools in her throat). The Doctor wanted to see her voice box because she has a horse/silent cry but he couldn't get pass the swollen flaps with the scope. Her cry is starting to get stronger. This is the reason she sounds congested and why her mouth is open all the time. I guess most baby’s breath through their nose but because she's not getting a lot of oxygen she uses her mouth to breath also. The doctor told us that if she gets sick then she will get very sick so we shouldn't take her where there are a lot of people. Ashlynn brought a small cold home the second week of school and Sierra caught it. She could barely eat for 3 days. When we took her to her two month appointment - she was getting better - her pediatrician was very upset by how horrible she sounded and because her weight gain was not looking good (do to the illness). So we won't be taking her to church at all this fall, winter, and most of spring. She can't afford it. We are going back to the ENT in a few weeks.

CARDIOLOGIST Appointment (last week). Dr. Judd listened to her heart and then told us that she still has the PDA and she believed that there was a hole in the upper chamber of her heart. Honestly, we were not shocked or scared or anything. We kind of expected it. So she had Sierra do a very extensive ultrasound of her heart and the result was that there is no hole in her heart. We were more shocked when she said that there was no hole. I'm curious why she believed there was a hole and how she was mistaken. When I asked if the tech could have missed it she said "oh no, it's not there anymore" . . . anymore??? The PDA is still there and fairly large. Dr. Judd doesn't want to close it unless her growth is being effected. The PDA makes it harder for her to breath. The left side of her heart is enlarged because of the PDA.

(Patent ductus arteriosus (PDA) is a condition in which a blood vessel called the ductus arteriosus fails to close normally in an infant soon after birth. (The word "patent" means open.)The condition leads to abnormal blood flow between the aorta and pulmonary artery, two major blood vessels that carry blood from the heart.) These are symptoms of a PDA

Bounding pulse
Fast breathing
Poor feeding habits
Shortness of breath
Sweating while feeding
Tiring very easily
Poor growth

Sierra has all these symptoms other than poor growth.

Her 2 month appointment

Weight - 8 pounds 4 ounces 1.12%

Height- 21 inches 3.82%

Head- 14 3/4 29%

At the appointment her growth was a little low, we think because of her illness. Also, her head was growing too fast. The Dr. is worried about hydrocephalus. We are going back into the Doctor's office this Friday. He said that premature babies' head's sometimes play catch-up and that might be all it is. I hope that's all it is. If her head is still growing at an unusual rate then she will have to have another MRI.

Sierra just started to smile this week. She doesn't do it very often, but when she does we all get very excited.
About 3 weeks ago, one night she became very fixated on a flower pattern on Ashlynn's dress and all of the sudden she started to reach out and try to grab the dress. We were shocked; Cameron wasn't even doing that yet. When she is in a great mood then she loves to reach out and try to grab objects.
Her muscle weakness is still pretty pronounced. She can lift her head but not for a long time.

Sierra worked so hatd to grab this toy for about 40 minutes. She was so determined.

She does track people and objects with her eyes.
She loves music. She listens very intently when music is playing.
She is not cooing yet. She did do it one time, but that was it.
When she is excited and trying to talk with us she sticks her tongue out all the time.
She doesn't do well with a lot of noise or stuff going on. Ashlynn can really overwhelm her. She smiles when there are no other stimulations going on around her.
She is definitely one of our most fussy babies, but she's still pretty great, pretty easy.
She is one of our most snugly babies. She LOVES to snuggle.
She HATES her baths. She cries through the whole bath, but after her baths, she sleeps so well. When she's really fussy at nights, we will give her a bath before bed and she'll sleep for 5 hours.
Her occupational therapist is always telling me to put her on her belly as much as possible so she gets stronger at lifting her head but the problem is that she LOVES laying on her belli. She goes right to sleep.
She is very good at letting us know what her needs are.
Most of All, She is a FIGHTER!!! With her laryngomalacia and her PDA she shouldn't be eating . . . but she is and she wants to. She is an inspiration to me. She fights to live and that is admirable.

I tried so hard to get a cute picture of her in my favorite outfit, but it didn't happen

She was too fussy.

Look at her hands, the hand behind her head and the other in her mouth are her two ways of comforting herself. It's pretty cute.

I was trying to get a picture of them together but she was too tired. Here is her sad pouty face.

Odds and Ends

2011-09-20T13:05:00.001-06:00

What to do when your husband is threatening to throw all the head bands away because there is no where for them to go and they cause so much clutter?

Nothing some mogpog and an empty oatmeal container can't fix.

Make a head band holder.

It's perfect! The best part is that the girls' bow's fit in the container too.

Babies Room. Having a nursery for the babies was really important to me this pregnancy. Most likely this is my last pregnancy and I've never had a cute nursery before now.

I had such a hard time deciding on something neutral enough for a boy and a girl. I'm not a big green or yellow person so as you can imagine, I was very stumped and had given-up on trying to create a perfect nursery.

Then one day while looking at blogs, I came across Daniel Batman's blog and she had just posted a mural she painted. It was that moment when I knew in what direction I finally wanted to go. This was the end result. It might not be your dream nursery, but it is mine.

Bedding is from Pottery Barn

My mom made those beautiful quilts in the top photo.

She did such a great job.

I have a TON of blankets for Cameron and Sierra and every single one of them is used ALL the time.

Pam crocheted these receiving blankets. They are so cozy and cute.

My sister also sent us these WONDERFUL swaddling blankets from the adin*annis line. We love those also. So many wonderful baby things.

Conner Turns Five

2011-09-18T21:13:00.000-06:00

Favorite Picture of the Year

Conner turned 5 years old September 1st

I can't believe how fast

these past five years have gone.

Conner the Copier:

Yes this is the best way to explain Conner.

When I was 7 months pregnant I was standing in the slowest line at Joannes with Ashlynn and Conner when he starts saying "Holy Crap". Everyone around just stares at him with these big eyes. No it's not a bad word but it's kind of harsh coming out of a 4 year olds mouth. The lady in front of me turns around and says "well we know that there are no secrets kept at your house." I turned to her and told everyone around how just a few days before my son was calling strangers "murderers" (one lady actually gasped). I told them how horrified we were until we realized that he was repeating the line in Lion King, his favorite movie. "OHHHH" with a smile was what i got. I also told them that we don't use the phrase "holy crap" in our house so I'm not sure where he picked it up. Now we know . . . he repeats Frank's famous line from Everybody Loves Raymond, Brandon's favorite TV show.

Another time while Brandon and Conner where out running errands Brandon was out of the truck doing something when all of the sudden Conner jumps out of the truck and yells with excitement "Dad it's our song, the song is on." Brandon turns to him and asks "what song?" Conner replies "Country girl shake it for me". You can imagine Brandon shock hearing those words come out of his mouth. He makes us laugh.

Conner loves to try and be like his dad. Brandon is the person Conner copies the most. When Brandon mows the lawn, Conner will grab his little kid lawn mower, put on the same shoes as Brandon and follow right behind Brandon the whole time Brandon mows the lawn. Conner begs to have the same shoes as Brandon all the time. Brandon has these strapped leather sandals so Conner asked for weeks if I would buy him some. One day while at Target I found some so I bought them. When I brought them home to Conner he gave me a big hug and said "Thanks Mom!!" in his most excited voice.

When Brandon takes his sandals off Conner will grab his own and lay them right by Brandon's in the exact same way. It's the funniest thing. Conner is now asking for some black Sunday shoes like Brandon's. He also has cowboy boots and basketball shoes like his dad's

He's growing up so fast and wants to grow up and be a big boy. He now washes his hair by himself in the bathtub and will get out by himself. It sounds silly, but it's a big step.

He thrives on structure and routine. He reminds us to give him his Singular everyday and to brush his teeth and floss them and all the other normal mundane things I sometimes forget.

He is so respectful to adults. He rarely ever disobeys. We love how it only takes us one time to ask him to do something. We don't have to ask 2 or 3 or 5 or 10 times before he does it like his sisters.

Conner will call just about anyone "Stupid Heaaad" when he gets made. We don't know where he learned to say this and it's horrible that we laugh when he says it, but it's kind of funny. Yes we do tell him not to say it.

Conner loves to dress-up. He has a basketball outfit, a soccer outfit, a Boise State outfit, his school outfits, but most important his Cowboy outfit. He would wear this outfit EVERY DAY if I let him. His boots are wearing down and his hat is now misshaped.

Even though I hate how he fights me to wear this outfit everyday I'm going to miss it when he's done with this stage because it's so dang cute.

Yes, this outfit!

What Conner Likes:

His Favorite Color: Green

His Favorite TV Show: Max and Ruby and Franklin and Dinosaur Train

His Favorite Dinner: Pancakes.

He's my best but worst eater. He hates easy things like Mac and Cheese, Pizza, Eggs, Hamburgers, Sandwiches, etc. but he will eat ALL vegetables, fruits, and most dinners. He is my only child that loves tomatoes and pickled beets. He loves to eat plain spinach with grape tomatoes. He is one awesome little boy.

Foods He HATES: Bread

His Favorite Song to Sing: I can see a rainbow

Favorite Hobbies: Ride Horses and ride four wheelers

What he wants to be when he grows up: A fireman (but he doesn't want to get old)

Favorite Toys: Any Cars and Trains

Recently he has started to turn into a little terror. Just of few of the things he has done

put soap on girls toothbrushes
peed in the babies bathtub
poked holes in almost all of my peaches that were for canning
colored on a hymn book at church
cut holes on the top of my leather table chairs
and much much more

I don't know if he's reacting to all the changes in the house or if it's just a stage, but boy he keeps me on my toes. If he's struggling with the changes he still really loves Cameron and Sierra. He calls Cameron "my buddy" and Sierra "my little princess" or "my sweety pie". I have caught him on numerous occasions putting blankets on them, giving them their binkies, trying to get them to stop crying and feeding them their bottles. He can't leave a room without giving them a kiss on the forehead. He is such a great big brother.

His preschool teacher asked us to write him a letter that they could read in class. I asked Brandon to write it. This is what he wrote:

What can we say about Conner? Conner is a very happy boy. He loves spending time with his family, and especially tormenting his older sisters. Some of Conner’s hobbies are:

Playing Baseball

Playing with his cars

Riding Horses

Camping

Huckleberry picking/eating

Mowing the lawn with dad

Riding the 4-wheeler

Conner is a people pleaser. He will do what others ask of him, and do it with a smile on his face. He may be a little shy at first, but once he warms up, he is a very outgoing little boy. He really likes being outdoors, and could go for a day-long 4 wheeler ride with out complaining. He also loves camping, and much to his parent’s concern, playing with sticks in the fire.

Some of the things Conner is looking forward to when he is older are:

Going Hunting

Playing Basketball & Baseball on a team

Conner is very important to his family and makes those around him happy.

Happy Birthday Conner!

Week In Review

2011-09-18T19:55:00.002-06:00

So this week was a cRaZy one!! Monday started the week with the babies 2 month appointment, something I will get to in another post.

It was a horrible visit.

Dr. Anderson's wife had a baby recently so he has been on leave. We had to meet with Hatch! I was not a big fan of Dr. Hatch because when Sierra was in the NICU and Cameron was home he kept telling me that I shouldn't be going to the hospital as much because Cameron needed me more then Sierra (because the nurses were there to take care of her). Then when I went to have Cameron circumcised he was just weird about it, so I had decided to find a different Dr. as our main Dr. and we have really liked Dr. Anderson. Anyways, he hadn't even read Sierra's file so he had no idea about her condition. It's very frustrating to have to explain to every Dr. what her condition is so I just kept quite. He was upset by how hard she was having to breath (because of the laryngomalasia) and then was really upset by her absent cry (something I haven't talked about yet) and then the heart murmur, and how I was answering "no" to questions like "is she smiling yet?" and "is she making gooing noises?". At this point I figured that I was going to have to tell him. Anyways, I will leave the rest for anther post.

After the Dr. appointment Ashlynn had violin lessons and straight from violin I took the girls to ballet and then I skipped over to the Apple for the first day of swim club. My mind is so not in Swim Club this block (or last block). I need to do better - be a better coach.

Tuesday Infinity Dance started. The girls LOVE Infinity Dance.

Wednesday again I dropped them off at ballet then ran over to swim club and after swim club I picked Ashlynn up from a tumbling class (she keeps begging to do gymnastics so I signed her up for a $10 class through Infinity. Now I think it's too much, but she loves it). Later that night I had my hair trimmed and I HATE it. I can't believe I cut all my hair off!

Thursday- Brandon left for a 3 day hunting trip . . . yep three days. I'm trying to be nice and not complain and make him feel bad for wanting to go hunting but then I just think "SERIOUSLY! When do I get to leave all five kids, two of them babies, one with a condition, AND a 7 year old throwing-up for 3 days?" Yes, Ashlynn woke up throwing-up and with diarrhea. Thursday I was just depressed but Pam, Brandon's mom, came down Friday and watched the babies for a few hours so I could leave. WHAT A BLESSING that was, seriously! Not to mention that she folded the heaping pile of clothes that I have not had time to get to yet. I would not have survived the weekend without her.

Friday- Kaylie went missing after school. I was looking for her for about 45 minutes. Just last week there was a Mt. Lion spotted right by our neighborhood and some creepy man has been lurking about. She didn't go on the bus, nor was she at the school. I was FRANTIC! We finally found her at one of her friends house. I had just called Pam to come back down to Idaho Falls because I was going to call the police . . . but then a friend of mine found her.

Saturday- Conner's soccer game. Pam came over again (bless her heart) and watched the babies while I went to the game. Brandon came home and I made him help me can some peaches. We only got half of them done. Later that night I started a project I've been hoping to get to for a long time. I'm making me and the girls some aprons with this fabric

Let's Hope This Week Goes Better!!!

Gardening 2011

2011-09-16T01:02:00.000-06:00

This year was a crazy year for gardening obviously because of the babies. Brandon was a sweetheart because he helped me plant the garden. I'm surprised anything grew other then weeds. My beans, cucumbers, and carrots did not do too well, but everything else did great. I was really excited about my tomatoes. Every year I'm able to grow them better and better.

Here are my Flower Beds

Saliva and Daisies

Delphinium Beautiful Flower

Fox Glove

so unique and gorgeous, but deadly . . . literally

I loved the combination this year

Lillies

Zinnias

My summer garden flower

Early Girl Tomatoes

they grew so well on the poles

I started to harvest them at the beginning of July

and they are still growing now.

We grew peas on a fence this year and it was wonderful!!

The potatoes did awesome

A few different varieties of pumpkins and squashes

MRI Report

2011-09-15T18:54:00.000-06:00

1. The only congenital malformation that i can identify is mild deficiency of the inferior vermis, so-called "Dandy-Walker Variant" (NOT the Dandy-Walker Syndrom, that is much much more serious). Clinical significance of this minor anomaly is uncertain, but doubtful.
2. (He did not mention this one to us while we were down there) The Anterior Genu of the Corpus Callosum MAY BE mildly hypoplastic(meaning smaller than normal), but is definitely present and probably just immature.
3. The Ventricles and extra-axial fluid spaces are mildly prominent. This should be correlated with serial measurements of head size. If the head size is relatively large, this most likely represents benign macrocephaly of infancy, however, if the head size is small, this may indicate mild atrophy or hypoplasia.
4. Brain otherwise appears normal.

In other words Dr. Edwards from the Pediatric Center explained this as "If a child had a MRI done and this was the result then we would say 'There is nothing wrong, everything looks normal' but because she was born with a genetic disorder then these MINOR things could cause minor problems."

MRI and ULTRASOUND

2011-09-11T13:14:00.000-06:00

About a week after we found out about Sierra's condition I was still very weepy. We had only told family because having to say it all out loud was very painful.  A friend of mine stopped by to give me a baby gift and surprisingly I told her what was going on. I feel like the spirit had a hand in her visit because our conversation has helped me a lot. She has a daughter whom has a rare disease so she relates to all the emotions I was having.  She told me that one of these days life will go back to normal, our own kind of normal. It will become apart of our daily routine. She said not to read the Internet because it will only create fear. Instead we should live day to day and only worry about what problems are at hand. The last piece of advise she told us was to celebrate every good doctors appointment because the few bad ones can be heart breaking.

We made an appointment for the MRI and Ultrasound for August 26th. The night before her appointment one of the nurses called and told us that Sierra would need to be monitored for 12 hours after the MRI because they were going to sedate her which meant that we would be staying the night. It doesn't sound like a big deal but this caused a lot of stress. Only one of us was going to be a loud to stay with her (which was going to be me) so Cameron and Brandon had to stay some where else. I kept telling him to stay with some of my family but he did not feel comfortable enough without me.  Also what about feeding Cameron? What about pumping? What about our other three kids. Thankfully Pam took the three kids on such a short notice. We also couldn't feed Sierra for 4 hours before the MRI. We had an appointment with Dr. Anderson on the Wednesday before and he told us that if Sierra sounds congested at all they will not do the MRI. This causes a problem for us because Sierra sounds congested all the time. I asked the nurse on the phone and she said that it shouldn't be a problem.

As a side note, both babies weighted 7 pounds 12 oz at the doctors appointment. Cameron has caught up.

When we drove into Utah Brandon gave Sierra a blessing before we went into the hospital. He kind of struggled with his words and afterwords said "I really struggled with that blessing, I don't know why". I just thought it was because we were stressed.

So the Ultrasound of her kidneys was first.  It took awhile for the ultrasound. We were not in a room by ourselves but in a big room with sheets pulled around us to make it feel like an individual room. The privacy was fine but I could hear what was going on with other patients. While we sat there letting the ultrasound tech do her job I heard one of the doctors tell a patient that her child would need a kidney transplant.  A friend, who has spent a lot of time at Primary Children's Hospital, had recently told me just a few days before that no matter how bad you have it, there is always someone at Primary Children's who has it worse. Minutes after hearing this the Doctor came in and told us that Sierra's kidneys, liver, spleen, bladder, uterus, and ovaries were perfect. I was elated and extremely thankful for our good news. Reason number one to celebrate.

Afterwards we went to the have the MRI. The nurse practitioner came in to check Sierra before she gave her the medicine to sedate her. While checking her breathing she noticed that Sierra retracts by her ribs and up around her throat. She then declared "I will not sedate her!" which meant no MRI. She apologized because she knew that we came down from Idaho. We were kind of stunned and then Brandon started asking if we could just try the MRI without Sierra being sedated. They were adverse to the idea because Sierra could not move at all if they wanted to get good pictures. They called the geneticist who was on call to see if they should send us home or to see if the geneticist wants them to give Sierra anesthesia. While waiting for his response Brandon convinced them to try the MRI without anything and if it didn't work then we will do whatever they want. So we fed Sierra and she went right to sleep. The whole time I silently prayed for the Lord to help Sierra stay still. My prayers were answered. I think many other prayers were answered also. The ultrasound tech was shocked that they got so many great pictures of her brain. He was really nice. He said that she was more bothered when they took her out of the MRI then when she was in it.

The Doctor came in a few minutes later and asked us why Doctor Lewin wanted the MRI done. He said that he was not familiar with 6p deletion but he knew that the doctor was concerned that Sierra might have the Dandy-Walker syndrome. He then asked us if we knew anything about the dandy-walker syndrome. Then he explained what it was and then said "she does not have it." My hand immediately flew to Brandon's leg and then we heard a "but". He told us that a tiny, tiny piece of her cerebellum was missing. Other then that, her cerebellum and brain look perfect. He said that he has seen this tiny piece missing before but he never saw any side affects from it's absence. Then he quickly said that he doesn't know much about her condition and how this could effect it. What?? So we needed to talk to Doctor Lewin. Reason number two to celebrate!!

As we left the hospital we were both excited that both tests came back positive. I was very happy that they did not have to sedate her and that we drove home after the doctor appointments. I told Brandon that I think he struggled with his words during the blessing because the Lord knew that Sierra was not going to go under and stay through the night. He knew that the day was going to go well.

We had two great doctor appointments to celebrate. We are still waiting to hear from Dr. Lewin but I think that I already know what she's going to say. Nothing we don't already know. More then anything I feel like these two major Dr. appointments have given me some much hope. I've been walking around mourning the premature death of my baby girl. It's horrible I know, but my mind always goes to the worse case scenario. I've read that 1/3 of babies with 6p deletion die in infancy because of heart defects and/or eating problems. Sierra is a fighter. She is a sweet heart. Her little kitten cries warm our hearts every time. We still have a lot of "we don't knows" but I finally have hope. I can look at her now without wondering if she's going to be OK. For a long time all I could see when I thought of her future were the things she won't be able to do like dance, date, play sports, and much much more but now I don't feel that way. I feel like there is so much potential for her. There is so much hope that the Lord has blessed me with.

Sierra's First Visit to Primary Children's Hospital

2011-09-07T21:26:00.000-06:00

After Doctor Anderson told us about Sierra he immediately had his nurse call down to Primary Children’s Hospital to set up an appointment for us to meet with a geneticist. He also went and looked in his medical book for genetic disorders and could NOT find anything on 6p deletion. Nothing on the 6th chromosome arm at all. He said it must be rare.
When his nurse called to make an appointment with a geneticist down at Primary Children’s hospital they told her that the first opening was about 5-6 months out. Dr. Anderson called down later that day and asked if they would try and squeeze us in and they did. They set up an appointment for September 6th. We were so grateful! Then a week later they called and said that we were at the top of their waiting list and they had an opening for August 16th. There was no way we would not take that opening. It was only a week away and we were anxious to hear anything about her condition.

During that waiting period we did a ton of research about her condition. We could not even find a name for it. There was a scary list of symptoms caused by the deletion but most likely she wouldn't have all of them. We just didn't know what to think and of course my thoughts always go to the worst case possible. I do not want Sierra to lose all of her eye sight and all of her hearing and be mental handicap on top of it. I also do not want her to die a premature death. As you heard in my last post, I was very upset by her diagnosis and didn't know how to handle this kind of news.

When we first walked into Primary Children’s Hospital I was so surprised by how busy it was. The halls were not quiet and calm like the halls of the ERMAC here in Idaho. It also seemed as if everyone was looking at all the families around them and wondering "What problem does their child have".
We first met with the genetic counselor. She started to go over Sierra's diagnoses and Brandon immediately started to correct her. We looked at each other like "oh great, they know NOTHING about Sierra's condition." She said that she was going to step out real quick to make sure Dr. Lewin had the information correct. We felt defeated in away. When the counselor came back in she asked us a ton of questions about Sierra and our family’s medical histories. She said that there is a chance that this is hereditary. This has caused a bit of fear for me and Brandon. We don’t want any of our children to worry about their potential children having problems. We will most likely be tested here in the future.

A half an hour later Dr. Lewin came in. She looked and acted so different than I expected. I was nervous that the doctor would be cold and unfriendly (most female Doctors I’ve met with are). I needed her to be nice -- and caring. Thankfully she was. She also had a ton of "brain energy" as Brandon likes to call it. She looked like the female version of a mad scientist. She looked at everything from the bottom of Sierra's feet to the way her hair swirls on the top of her head. The only physical features that she believes Sierra has are the downward slanting eyes and the slightly rotated ears. Everything else was normal, which is unusual. As a side note, Brandon keeps thinking that Sierra’s forehead is “too square” and points out to every Doctor that it’s because of her condition but they all look closely and then say “dad, it’s normal. Her forehead resembles yours . . .” So apparently Brandon has a square forehead.
Here is a list of what they told us at this visit:

• 6p syndrome (yeah we now have a name) is very rare. In the 30+ years that Dr. Lewin has worked at Primary Children’s, she has never seen a case of 6p deletion. On top of that just in the past 5 years has technology been able to detect a deletion in section 25 of the 6p arm. Unfortunately, this means that there is only 5 years’ worth of information out there on her syndrome. In one report it says that there are only 30 documented cases.

• Also there is a syndrome called the 3C syndrome that has been detected for the past 20+ years but they could never link it to a chromosome problem. The symptom for 6p25 deletion and the 3C syndrome overlap significantly so researchers strongly believe that they are the same.

• 3c syndrome stands for 3 major problems with cranio, cerebello, and cardiac. The chances of being born with this disorder is 1 in 500 million. One in 500 million! This has changed my whole perspective on life. I always believed I was one who just fell in and was a part of the crowd. I was never one who would win anything or be noticed for anything. I was never out of the norm. I wouldn’t die in an airplane crash, have my house burned down, and be held at gun point, win Miss America, win a Million dollars, or become a super model. I was never going to be a part of that small crowd. I’ve heard that it’s a 1 in 100 chance of having a child with autism and I never thought I would have a child with autism. Now I believe that anything can happen to anyone. I had a less than 7% chance of having twins and I became pregnant with twins and now I have a child with a condition that only 1 in 500 million babies are born with. Anything could happen to us. I am now a believer.

We wanted to ask a lot of questions about what could happen but the geneticist did not have very many answers. She said that medical journals are like the news; they only report the extreme cases. So this means that anything we read about her condition is going to be extreme and most likely scary. Because they don’t know a whole lot about 6p syndrome the geneticist wants a full work up of Sierra. First she wants us back soon for an ultrasound of her kidneys and an MRI of her brain to take a peek at her cerebellum. She’s worried that she has the Dandy-Walker syndrome. Next she wants us to see the ear, nose, and throat doctor because Sierra’s breathing is very labored; this symptom was the one she is most concerned about. She also wants Sierra to come see the eye doctor and an urologist. Sierra already had an appointment to see the cardiologist about her heart murmur and lastly they want her to have routine hearing tests.

While talking about the dandy-walker syndrome and her cerebellum Brandon asked if it’s unfair for us to have any hope for her to be mentally healthy. The geneticist said “from what I’ve seen today, there is a lot of hope!”

As we prepared to leave the geneticist counselor walked with us and was going over all the appointment we needed to make. Brandon turned to her and said, “I’m sure where you have never seen this syndrome before you are very interested in Sierra.” The counselor got all sheepish and responded “we don’t want you to think that we are only interested in the case because we are very interested and care for Sierra.

So here is a start to a series of doctors appointments.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS

Our Precious Sierra

2011-08-15T11:40:00.000-06:00

Recently I asked my dad why I was not prepared. I always assumed that the Lord would prepare me for trials. I don't feel prepared. I feel blind sighted and I'm just trying to not fall apart.

This past pregnancy was a trial in itself but I really wanted to have another baby and I knew that the pregnancy would only last for so long. I'm not one to day dream about what my babies will be like or how they will act and stuff but I was very excited to have a boy and a girl. Cameron was the first to arrive and from the short glimpse I saw of him before they handed him off to the neonatal doctor and group of nurses he was beautiful, healthy, and had a strong cry. It was 20 minutes before Sierra came and when she did I immediately noticed that her cry was not strong and that she was struggling. The doctor and her nurses barely let me look at her before they handed her over to the neonatal team. She told Brandon that he could go and be with the babies if he wanted, so Brandon went to see them while Doctor Huggins finished with the delivery. I will never forget the first words Brandon spoke to me when he came back. I asked how Sierra was and he said "She is so sweet Liz. So sweet. She already has me wrapped around her finger. I am going to be so protective of her." He then told me that she was having a hard time breathing but everything should be OK. My labor nurses took me back to recovery and told me that I would have to wait 2 hours before I could go see Sierra. They did bring Cameron to me and let me hold him for about 5 minutes.

On our way to see Sierra Brandon told me that there are some concerns. She was born with a pneumothorax which is an air bubble in the lungs. She was also pretty black and blue from delivery and very swollen. He then said that the doctor had some other concerns and was going to test her for chromosomal abnormalities. He then became very defensive and said that all the nurses said she's fine and that this doctor is totally wrong. I was so overwhelmed by all of it. I was confused and frustrated. I had not even seen her yet. When we entered the NICU they first took me to see Cameron. They let us hold him and informed us that he was doing great. They had no concerns and that it's routine for them to hold preterm babies in the NICU for 12 hours to make sure there are no problems. Then we went and saw Sierra. She was hooked up to all these monitors, oxygen, and she had an IV put in. I was told that I could not hold her because they don't want any stimulation so the pneumothorax didn't get bigger.

First Time Seeing Her

This post is not about the NICU but I will say that it was long and drawn out. After the air bubble cleared out there was small problem after small problem but she did come home two weeks later. The test for the abnormal chromosome had not come back but all the doctors who looked at her afterwards told us that they saw no problems and believed she was fine.

Leaving the Hospital

Together for the first time

My pediatrician had me bring her to the doctors two days after she was released from the NICU for a follow-up. They had a preliminary report from the chromosome test that showed everything was normal and OK. We were relieved. It was like a burden was lifted from my shoulders and I could breath again. I could finally start getting back to normal. My mom was here and was helping me try to achieve that. The doctors office wanted me back the next Tuesday for a weight check. Sierra was getting really congested and her right eye was so goopy we called the Doctors office on Monday to do the weight check and have her looked at. Doctor Anderson was the one on call that day. He was also the one who released her from the NICU. Cameron had lost some weight and so he wanted us back that Friday for another weight check and for another follow-up with Sierra. When we took them in Friday everything was going great. Cameron's weight was OK again and Sierra was doing a lot better. When he listened to her heart he started to ask a lot of questions about the heart murmur she had. I couldn't answer any of them. In the NICU Doctor Veber heard a heart murmur and did an echo cardiogram but said it was nothing to be too concerned about. Because I couldn't answer his questions he pulled out his laptop and was searching for the information on the echo cardiogram. While searching he went very quiet and didn't say a word for about five minutes. There was a sudden heaviness in the air and we could tell something wasn't right. He looked up at us and briefly said he couldn't find the information so he would have the hospital fax the report to the office. Then he said, "so (pause) the results are back from the chromosomal test" I immediately looked at Brandon and we both knew at that moment that everything was not alright. He said that he would read the results to us.

An abnormal female chromosome complement having a terminal deletion on the short arm of one chromosome 6, was

observed in all analyzed metaphases . . .

He kept reading and all I could hear was a lot of medical gargin I didn't understand until he started to read the list of problems she can occur with this condition

This genomic alteration is expected to cause phenotypic and / or developmental abnormalities. An individaul with this

would be expected to have . . . developmental delays / metal retardation, language impairment, hearing loss, and

ophthalmologic, cardiac, and craniofacial abnomalities . . . and could develop the Axenfeld-Rieger syndrome type 3.

A thorough clinical assessment of this patient is recommended.

Then there was silence. My world has never been the same since.

We are headed down to Salt Lake City tonight to meet with a geneticist at Primary Children's Hospital tomorrow. This past week has been the most trying period of my life. We have tried to keep things as normal as possible for out older children but it is so hard. Brandon can barely focus at work. I can barely do anything without crying. I took my kids to church last Sunday and started crying when a member got up to bare his testimony and the whole focus was on how they are so grateful for their kid's good health. We didn't go to church yesterday, it's too hard.

My heart is broken. I can barley stand to talk about this. Both me and Brandon are finding it hard to be around other people because everyone asks about Sierra. Only family and a few friends know (until now) and we are so grateful for all their prayers. I can feel other's prayers that are for us for the first time in my life. My mom's family all fasted for Sierra yesterday and we are so grateful for that simple act of faith.

Am I doing OK? Not really. I wish I could claim that I have so much faith I'm comforted, but I can't. I'm an emotional wreak. I wish I had just one family member that lived close to me, but I don't. I face a hard trail ahead of me and I'm going to be doing it all alone (not talking about Brandon). It's a scary feeling. In fact I know it's the fear that drives all my emotions right now.

So, why was I not prepared for this? Maybe the Lord tried but I was not listening. My Dad's answer was that the Lord doesn't prepare those who don't need to be prepared. I don't know what I think about his answer other then I wish I was prepared.

Please Keep Sierra in your Prayers

Ashlynn turned SEVEN

2011-08-11T09:31:00.000-06:00

Ashlynn turned seven this week. For the past two years I was so overwhelmed with swim club I really didn't do a whole lot for her birthday so I tried really hard to make this year special; plus we thought the babies might come this week and we didn't want her to feel like we forgot her.

First, she is my little princess. Kaylie grew out of wanting to be a "princess" a long time ago, but Ashlynn still very much loves girly girl princess things. Yes it's a crown on her head and she loves it. It's her birthday crown. I can't believe how grown-up she looks in this picture.

I got this idea from a friends blog and thought it was a great way to remember her at this age.

Favorite Breakfast: Dad's egg sandwich and crepes with strawberries and bananas.

Favorite Dinner: Crab (yes, crab), shrimp, corn on the cob, and fried potatoes

Favorite Color: Pink and Purple

Foods She Dislikes: Asparagus, fettuccine Alfredo

Favorite TV Show: My babysitter is a vampire

Favorite Movie: Harry Potter (Brandon makes a fun family night when we rent one and the kids love it) and Spiderwick (I rented this movie once and all the kids LOVED it, but I won't let them watch it again because the kids in the movie say "oh my G**" all the time.

Favorite Thing to do with the Family: Play on the tramp together and go to the mountains

Favorite Activities to Participate In: Soft Ball and Dance

Favorite Place To Eat: The Pizza Pie Cafe

Favorite Song To Sing: Amazing Grace (she learned it at school this past year)

Favorite Vacation: The mountains and San Diego

What do you want to be when you grow up? A Rock Star

Reason We Love Ashlynn

Ashlynn is so easy going. She really doesn't complain a whole lot. Only when her siblings pick on her.
She loves hugs and kisses. She will come up to me and say "bend down mom" and then give me a big wet kiss on my cheek.
She has an incredible imagination. I have caught her playing house with my shoes. This incredible imagination comes to work when she tells me about her dreams and "stories".
Ashlynn loves to ask questions. She asks a ton of questions about Jesus all the time. She's trying to figure out what is being taught to her at church. She really thinks through everything.
Ashlynn will talk about the things she loves all the time. Her primary teacher told me on face book that she talks about the new babies ALL the time. Apparently that's all she will talk about.
Ashlynn is very aware and concerned with other people's feelings. Sometimes I will ask her if she liked the dinner I made (when I know she doesn't like it) just to see her squirm and try to come up with something nice to say. By the end I try to convince her that it's OK to say she doesn't like it, but she won't. Once during a family home evening we were talking about not talking to strangers. She was asking about all different scenarios. We kept saying "don't talk to them . . . just ignore them" when all of the sudden she proclaims "but I don't want to be rude!" and she was very serious. She has such a kind heart.
Ashlynn is our little night owl. She can be soooo tired but will literally force herself to stay awake. She drags all sorts of things into her bed at night so she "doesn't get bored when she's trying to go to sleep". This drives me crazy, but I can't help but laugh.
Ashlynn can't help but smile all the time, even when she's mad.
She is extremely forgiving. She can be very upset but forgive everyone immediately.
She is also extremely generous. She shares everything (even her most "special" things) with Kaylie, Conner, and all her friends.
She is a beautiful dancer. I think a lot of it is her expressions. I heard all the time last year how "beautiful" she is while dancing or how "absolutely adorable" she is while dancing. This summer she took a ballet class and her teacher said to me all the time "she has so much potential". I will brag that she has the most beautiful leaps. she could be a beautiful ballerina.

This is her goofy side, the true Ashlynn

I captured this shot of Ashlynn and LOVED it. Which edit do you like the most?

original

vintage

sepia

PW BW

Gradient Map

p.s. I was writing this post when I went into labor, I just finished it

TWINS

2011-07-15T23:40:00.000-06:00

Sierra

Look how black and purple she is. Scary!

She was trying to cry, but had a hard time doing it because of her lungs. She had an air bubble in her lungs when she was born.

Cameron

His cry was great! He looked great!

A FEW HOURS AFTER BIRTH

I couldn't believe how beautiful Cameron's skin was so early.

We were not aloud to hold Sierra for a whole day, that was painful.

She was so swollen and bruised, it was heart breaking.

Day Two

Joanie came and took these pictures for us. I'm so grateful because the last thing that has been on my mind this week has been getting good pictures. These are great. Thank you Joanie.

Her eyes were so swollen, she could barely open them.

Her forehead is very swollen because Cameron's umbilical cord was embedded in her forehead. The swelling continues to come down every day.

This picture just brakes me heart because you can see how perfect Cameron is compared to Sierra who is so swollen and bruised. This poor girl was really beaten up, it seems so unfair.

DAY FOUR

Doesn't she look a lot better!! Her head is still swollen but her eyes are looking much better and her nose and checks. Her hands and feet are still black and blue but compared to those first few days, she looks amazing.

Conner keeps asking where the girl baby is . . . he just doesn't quite understand and it's hard to explain what is going on. The doctor said that it's going to be at least another week before she can come home.

Please keep Sierra in your prayers.

Pregnancy-- Writen June 25th

2011-07-02T19:34:00.001-06:00

Craziness!! That's how I feel about my whole pregnancy. I had an appointment and an ultrasound done two Wednesday's ago and afterwards I was crying because everything that could go wrong at the doctors office does but then I realized that this is my trial and if this is a trial then I have it pretty easy. Who cares that my doctor will most likely NOT deliver my babies, right? I found out on Wednesday that my doctor is going to be gone for two whole weeks in July. It's during my 35th week (which is the week that Brandon believes I will deliver the twins) and my 37th week (which is the week I think I would deliver the twins). Their office will also be closed for the majority of those weeks so for the rest of my pregnancy I will be going to the hospital for stress tests twice a week and for the remainder of my ultrasounds. If Doctor L. is gone during the delivery then Doctor Huggins will deliver them. I have heard that she is one of the best doctors in town. I went to her office once after my all time favorite Doctor Girling left Idaho Falls and I did not like the PA. I had heard so many wonderful things about Doctor Leavitt (whom I really like) but I don't like how the practice is run at all. I could give them a list of things that would make the practice run much better (at least I think it would) . . . but maybe I'm the only one who is dealing with all this. Maybe other patients are having a wonderful experience. Who knows, all I know is that I will have these babies with in the next month and I'm going in completely blind. That terrifies me, but really that's how all the women in the olden days did it . . . right?? They were never checked to see how much they were dilating and all that.

Doctor L. did an ultrasound 2 1/2 weeks ago and the babies looked great. Baby A was "presenting" (as the doctor put it) and his head was really low. Baby B was flipped. She had her head up and bum in baby A's face. We could not see a whole lot of Baby Boy but we could see hair on Baby Girl's head and she was "practicing" breathing (babies can't really breath in the womb). The girl was measuring 3 lbs 10 oz and the boy was 3 lbs 7oz.

This ultrasound was done on a Thursday, the very next night I felt the baby girl literally crawling around in my belli ALL night long and into the next day. It felt like baby mice playing in my belli (not that I would know what that feels like). I was certain she had flipped and was now head down.

Also, I was starting to put together in my mind some events that was leading to a conclusion. It all started when my friend Tracy mentioned that it looks like my babies had dropped. I then started to think about how I was eating more, because I have more room, and I don't have indigestion anymore. I can also breath a lot easier. Have they dropped? Then I was thinking about how the doctor said that Baby A's head was "really low" and "presenting". I think that Baby A has dropped . . . 9 weeks before my due date.

I hadn't had painful, rhythmic, contractions like that one night for a long time either. I always have contractions, just not painful ones.

So this week at the ultrasound I asked the ultrasound tech if baby A had dropped. She put it this way. She said that she can not officially say whether or not the babies have dropped because the only way to really say is by an internal exam BUT then she said "let's just say that his head is SO low that I can not see your cervix or most of his head at all. He is really low". Also, she confirmed that the Baby Girl was now head down. This is huge because I had just talked to the doctor about having the babies vaginally and he told me that as long as both heads were down, then we could have them vaginally. YEAH, no cesection. This is a really big deal to me.

1- The babies have dropped, most likely the night I had those horrible contractions. I am about 90% sure this is what happened.

2- I get to have the babies vaginally. I won't fall into the 80% of women who are pregnant with twins and have to have a cesection.

3- The babies were tested at the the ultrasound on an 8 point system and they scored 8 out of 8. The last two points are given during the stress test which they scored great so their score is now 10 out of 10. They could not score any better. If they are born preterm then they will be healthy.

At the second ultrasound the tech determined that Baby Boy is now 4 lbs 15 oz and the Baby Girl is 5 lbs 8 oz. This bugs Brandon that the boy is smaller BUT the ultrasound tech said that the boy is so squished over on my right side that he has no room to move, practice breathing, or hardly anything. I wouldn't be surprised if he's bigger or close to the same size as the girl when he's born. There wasn't a whole lot of room to measure his belli. Though, aside from that, they are both 5 lbs each. That's big for 34 week old babies. They are both measuring more than a week a head of the due date. I am so happy that I have great pregnancies. I know that I have complained about the minor complications that I have had, but in the whole scheme of things, I have wonderful pregnancies. My babies are healthy, a promise that was made to me during a blessing. Really, that's all that matters. I am so blessed and I am also so excited for these babies to come into the world . . . into our family.

Pregnancy Symptoms to Remember:

FOOD

During the first of my pregnancy I could not stand chocolate. I hated sugar. Great right. Well, that changed at about week 24. I now CRAVE chocolate and sugar. I've eaten more sugar in the past few months then I have in a year. At one point I was craving licorice. If I bought a bag, it was gone in 1-2 days. I stopped buying it.
I have a hard time drinking soda. It's too heavy on my stomach.
The food I crave the most is Watermelon. Right now I am buying two watermelons a week and they are easily eaten up. It's crazy. This past week we ran out of watermelon about midweek and I was too exhausted to go to the store again. I didn't want Brandon to buy it because he lacks the ability to pick great ones. I couldn't stop thinking about Watermelon. That's all I wanted. I finally bought one yesterday and it tasted so amazing.
The candy I crave the most are Butterfingers, something I never ate before.
I also crave any kind of fruit. That's almost all I buy now. The other day at the store I bought peaches, apples, watermelon, cantaloupe, strawberries, grapes, blueberries, and honeydew. All of it will be gone by the end of the week.
The dinner I've craved the most is a roast with mashed potatoes and gravy. I have a really hard time with Mexican. It's the peppers.
I couldn't eat eggs for the LONG time. I can now eat them, but I don't care for them. Before I was pregnant I had a hard egg on toast every other morning.

NIGHTS

Nights are very hard for me. It use to be because of my heart. My chest would hurt really bad and I would have a hard time breathing. When the doctor put me on the medication I could finally sleep. It was so nice. Now the babies keep me up until 1 am every single night. I use to get up early but now I have a hard time dragging myself out of bed at 8 am. My kids are great. They just patiently wait for me.
I've been told by quite a few different people to plan on sleeping in a chair for the last part of my pregnancy. I haven't had to do that yet. I'm not sure I will. Sitting is harder on me then laying down. I will admit that turning during the night is literally painful and getting out of bed is becoming very taxing.
There are nights when I get up 5-6 times because I have to pee. I don't know why my liver decides to kick in during the night, but it can become very annoying.

LEGS

When I was pregnant with Conner I saw a pregnant women who's leg looked severely bruised. I asked her what happened and she said "this is my sign that this is my last pregnancy". Well, I now have that same sign and it's bad. Varicose Veins are not fun and they exploded on my right leg this pregnancy. I have triple the amount of blood flow and a lot more pressure on my veins so I am hoping that they go away. We will see. The two that popped up during the pregnancy with Conner went away, I could be that lucky, right?!
Leg cramps. I've never had this symptom before. It is horrible!! One of the worst symptoms. I can't stretch my legs without getting one and now in late pregnancy when ever I stand-up from a sitting position I get one in my upper right thigh. It's very painful.
Restless Leg Syndrome. Also another symptom I've never had. I get this at night in my right leg and it is so irritating. I really hope this goes away afterwards. It is not fun.
Isn't it interesting that ALL of my problems are in my right leg?! Go figure.

Weight Gain

When I was first pregnant I had decided that I was going to exercise all the way through my pregnancy and eat incredible healthy. I contribute this to the fact that I am constantly surrounded by people who are obsessed with both of those things. That didn't last long. When I got morning sickness I was putting in my mouth whatever would not come up and I had NO energy to exercise at all. I initially lost weight. Some think I should count my weight gain starting from what my lowest weight was (not what I was at when I became pregnant). I don't because when I was at my lowest weight I was not healthy. I am not someone who's ever going to starve myself or throw-up food to be thin and I was doing both of those things during my lowest weight period. I have no idea what the normal weight gain for someone who's pregnant with twins is. I asked the doctor and he wisely said that it could be 25, 30, 40, 50, 70, 90 + lbs. I love this comment because EVERYBODY'S body is different. Who knows and who cares . . . right? As long as the pregnant mom and the baby(s) are healthy, that's all that matters. I'm not going to share how much I've gained but I will say that surprisingly I have gained less than my other pregnancies . . . so far. The really funny thing is that I was planning on gaining a TON of weight. I haven't cared AT ALL about what foods I eat or about exercising. I eat a lot. In fact, I was told that my stomach would be so squashed that I wouldn't be able to eat a whole lot. Well, that's not the case with me. I thought I would be gaining a bit a weight after I started to feel better because I would eat everything and anything after starving for so long, but nope I haven't. I'm sure this is all going to catch up with me some time. I think there are a few factors playing into this; the hyperthyroid, the fact that I have two babies eating a lot (obviously they are getting plenty of food case they are already over 5 lbs), I crave mostly fruit and eat little meat, and I'm relatively healthy with no problems such has gestational diabetes or preeclampsia or anything other than the hyperthyroidism. In fact, I think that I would gain a lot more if this was a single pregnancy. Now don't judge me when after the babies are here and I'm a little round in the mid-section. I'm sure I will be.

A Few Other Odds and Ends

I've been told by the doctor and a nurse at the hospital that my blood pressure is remarkable for a twin pregnancy. It hovers between 105-115.
I was also told that my glucose is also amazing for a twin pregnancy. The nurse told me that it was measured at 105. This was taken two hours after eating a waffle with plenty of syrup on it. I thought I was going to have to take it again.

Contractions

I started to have Braxton Hicks Contractions at about 16 weeks. I had the one episode where they were painful and intense about 3 weeks ago. Since then I have regular contractions. When I went to the hospital to have my stress test last Thursday, the nurses were concerned that the monitor was showing contractions every 4 minutes and intense contractions every 8 minutes. I told them that for me it was normal. Last night I had a second series of intense contractions with A LOT of pressure. I feel doomed to these types of contractions until the babies come. I'm still having them today. I wish I knew if I was dilating, but because of the doctors office I won't be able to find any of this out. I am literally going into this labor blind, unless everything happens at 36 weeks or I make it to 38 weeks. The nurse at the hospital told me that I need to be ready to go into labor at any moment because I could with the consistent contractions and the fact that we have no idea if I am dilating or not.

Hanging with the Cowboys

2011-06-21T22:04:00.001-06:00

Brandon and his horse Koda

The best gift I ever gave him.

Conner can be pretty shy. He was being shy around Wayne until he spent this time with him. All of the sudden he started to talk a bunch to Wayne. Mostly about how he has a belt buckle like him and how he has boots and a hat. It was really sweet.

Koda was kicked in the face by another horse. The cut was so deep that the vet didn't want to sew it up (which saved us quite a bit of money). The owner of the other horse was kind enough to pay for the medicine to heal it. The cut is under her nose.

Riding Bare Back! Wayne made an effort to point out that Conner is the first to ride Willow bare back. Conner was pretty excited, though a little nervous. As was I.

33 Weeks and Counting

2011-06-19T12:29:00.000-06:00

Last week my friend Joanie took some pictures of me. I didn't want any for a long time but I had taken a few pictures of her while she was pregnant and as this pregnancy is starting to come to an end I have decided that I might regret having no pictures of my pregnant belli. I am NO model. In fact I feel really stupid posing for a camera . . . but I did it. Here are some pregnancy pictures MOM!! If I make it to 36 weeks I'm going to have Joanie take a few more (not model like) so I can remember how HUGE my belli was.

I think this is my favorite.

This one is Joanie's favorite. I am so NOT good with serious/blank faces. Most of the time I look ornery, but this one was OK.

There has been more "drama" (as I like to call it) at the doctors office. I really do like the doctor, but his office is run horribly and he has too many patients. I don't really want to go into detail about the problems I encountered last time but I will briefly explain for my own journal. I had A LOT of contractions two weeks ago last Friday. The first set last about 2 1/2 hrs. and they were about 8-10 minutes apart. They ended but then started again for another 2 hrs. and these were stronger and were only 5 minutes apart. EVERYONE wanted me to go to the hospital but I felt confident that it was false labor. They ended, but I then felt really horrible for about 4 days. Anyways, I was suppose to have an appointment the following week but because the doctor was so busy, I couldn't get in for another week and a half. After these contractions Brandon called the office and told them that they had to get me in with the doctor that week. When I went in on Thursday at 3:45 I was suppose to have an ultrasound right afterwards, well the ultrasound teck had gone home. Brandon was upset. When the doctor came in Brandon told him the whole story. At first the doctor said it was not a big deal as long as we have one at 32 weeks. Then he started talking about the ultrasounds and that with twins we do one at 10, 20, 24-26, 32, 34, etc. When he said the 24-26 week one we looked at each other and then told the doctor that we never had one done then (I just want to know why he hadn't looked at the charts and seen that??) Anyways, he then felt really bad and told us to wait for about 20 minutes and he would give us the ultrasound. When we walked into the ultrasound he told us that he talked to the office manager and they are going to give us a 20% off of our whole bill and they are not going to charge us for the ultrasounds. It's a nice jester, but we have great insurance so the money doesn't matter to us and really all I want is to feel like they care about me as a patient. (Before I talk about the ultrasound I'm going to finish with the negative stuff). After the ultrasound he told me that he wants to see me in two weeks for another appointment and for an another ultrasound. When I went up front, the secretary was go. SERIOUSLY!! The Doctor came up and was going to schedule it himself but I told him that I would just call in on Monday and schedule the appointment.

So I called the next week to schedule the appointment and guess what the secretary told me . . . I can't get you in for 3 weeks for either the ultrasound or the appointment. At first I just said OK, but as the day went on I just felt uncomfortable waiting 3 weeks. I'm pregnant with twins for heaven sakes. Shouldn't I be taken care of a little bit more?? All I want is to do what the doctor has told me to do; so I called the secretary again and pointed out that the knew appointment was one day shy of 3 weeks and that I just didn't feel comfortable with it. She got all irritated with me. I told her I would take any openings. To make a long story short she told me she would call me back, which she did NOT. I started to get really frustrated so much so that I was in tears (of course pregnancy hormones played a role in this) and I called my mom. I had decided that if the doctors office was too busy to schedule me when the doctor told me to come in then I had to go to a different doctor. I've been having contractions and I'm pregnant with twins. I need to see a doctor. My mom told me, very sternly, to call back and ask to talk to the head nurse. I didn't want to because I'm not a confrontational person but I needed to get the ultrasound done at 34 weeks, not 35 1/2. I might have the babies by then! It took a lot of courage but I called and I seriously think that the Lord was listening to my silent prayers because the nurse answered and she knew me. I briefly explained the situation and how all I wanted was to get the ultrasound done at 34 weeks (the secretary had told me that the doctor was going to be gone that whole week so I wasn't even trying to see the doctor). She literally looked at the schedule and said "we can fit you in with the doctor at this time and have the ultrasound done at this time" (the doctor wasn't going out of town). I started crying because I was so relieved. I told her thank you and that I was sorry for crying but that I was so frustrated. She then said "Liz I know that we have made a few mistakes with you so whenever you need to schedule an appointment just ask for me and I will schedule them. My name is Melissa with an M." She was so nice and so kind. All I needed was to feel like I mattered as a patient. I was starting to feel like maybe the office didn't think appointments are necessary even though I have a high risk pregnancy because of the twins and because of the hyperthyroid. I really do like the doctor and some of his nurses, but the office it's self is run horribly. I should be able to schedule an appointment when the doctor tells me to and have no problems. I've been dealing with problem after problem after problem and it's starting to get old and I'm starting to get really mad about it.

I have to go for now, so I am going to write another post about the babies then. More journal like entries. I don't have time to read over this, so I apologize for any spelling and grammar mistakes.

What makes you Happy?

2011-06-12T15:33:00.000-06:00

The weather this past week was HORRIBLE. Right now I can't even think of a day when it wasn't raining or blowing. Friday night was the best weather and it only lasted a few hours. We made sure we spent all of our time outside for those few hours. In fact, all of the kids had gone and played at Melanie Ball's house and when they came home they were dirty! That's what summers are for, right?! Anyways, Brandon gave Conner a bath but afterwards Conner went right back outside and started to play in the sand with Ashlynn. Oh well. It's summer . . . almost summer. Kaylie wasn't feeling quite well after playing at the Ball's so she was asleep when I took all of these pictures. She had a busy week, so I think she was just exhausted.

Ashlynn is such a great big sister to Conner and Conner L-O-V-E-S his sister Ashlynn. She is his best friend. When she was in school, he would often ask me "When Ashlynn get's home can we play on our bikes? When Ashlynn get's home can we color with the markers? When Ashlynn get's home I'm going to show her how I did this!" In his mind, he does everything with his sister Ashlynn. Kaylie is really good at taking care of Conner, but Ashlynn plays with him. Conner loves to mimic everything Ashlynn does. Sometimes this makes Brandon mad because they are "girl" things, but Brandon is doing a good job of making sure Conner knows what girls do and what boys do. :)

Tonight after tromping around the yard for a few hours while I worked in my garden, Ashlynn saw the notebook I had brought outside and she had an idea. She ran inside and grab her new note book and a colored pencil and decided to make a list of what makes us happy. Of course Conner had to do the same thing. So, What makes you Happy? That was the question of the night. It's fun to hear the difference between a childs list and an adults list. Conner's list consisted of all toys. It was more like a Christmas list. Brandon and my list were more about doing things. Ashlynn giggled when he told her "mommies kisses".

After Brandon was done with his yard work, he grab the kids and jumped with them for a bit. Our kids get so excited when he will jump with them. This is one of their favorite things to do.

Aren't Dad's so much fun. Yesterday before Brandon went Bear Hunting with Brett and TJ, he took all three kids to the park (while I went to the grocery store) and played tag with them on the play ground. Holy Cow they had so much fun. When Brandon isn't so driven with work and chores to do, he really knows how to have fun with them. Sometimes I have to remind him to forget about chores and just go spend time with the kids . . . because they look forward to it so much.

One more side note. I love the sky here in the west. Montana's motto is "Big Sky Montana" but this motto also applies to Idaho. The sky here is so big and beautiful; often looking very picturesque. Friday night the storm clouds were trying to disperse so the bottoms were heavy with rain, but the tops were highlighted with the sun that was getting ready to set. The colors where striking. It was beautiful and I'm so glad I could capture it on my camera.

Softball

2011-06-06T21:13:00.000-06:00

While we were on our way to San Diego in April I received a few text messages from some of the mothers of my girl's friends wondering if I knew of a softball team that their daughters could join. Some of them asked if I was putting a team together. Ashlynn had been asking for a long time if she could play softball this summer so I decided to put a team together. When we came back from San Diego I called to get information on softball and found out that Ashlynn and Kaylie couldn't be on the same team. At first I was annoyed because that meant that I either had to put together two teams or one of them wouldn't play. Since I had already told those mom's I would put a team together I decided to try and put together two teams. I told all the mom's that I would put the team together but I couldn't coach it. Well, the teams just fell into place. Almost everyone I asked wanted to play. Jodi Lundblade is coaching Kaylie's team and she is doing an AWESOME job. Lindsey Woolstenhulme is coaching Ashlynn's team with Sherry Grigg and she is also doing a great job. I'm so glad I decided to try and put some teams together. Both of my girls are really enjoying themselves.

She was being all shy because she saw my camera

I love her serious face.

She is actually a good hitter . . . with the tee.

I now can see why she wasn't allowed to play with the older girls. At her age she still just doesn't quite get how the game works, but she's starting to.

These girls are starting to get it. Their biggest obstacle is understanding where to throw the ball when they get it and getting the ball there in time. Kaylie's coach told me that she's always a little nervous when Kaylie hits because she hits the ball hard (Kaylie hits from the coach who pitches. It's called "coach pitch") I was quite surprised by this to be honest - but then again she is built with pure muscle.

Brandon gets so upset when they close their eyes to swing. I wonder what he'll say about this picture. :)

Running to First

As I'm taking this picture, I'm yelling at her to stop watching and smiling at me, but she can't help it.

I'm glad I signed them up for Softball this year. It's so much fun to watch them. They both really enjoy softball.

Just Another Sunday

2011-06-06T00:01:00.000-06:00

I know that I haven't been posting a whole lot lately. I kind of feel like my thoughts and days are all a blur. This past weekend I had some pretty intense contractions that lasted for hours. We almost went to the hospital (in fact Brandon was angry because we didn't. I'm too stubborn, though I did almost agree to go in but then they stopped -- thankfully). Anyways, those contractions kind of snapped me “awake”. I haven't been carrying my camera around with me because it has felt like so much work but this past weekend there were two days were I regretted not having my camera - so it is going to change. I am "awake"!

This weekend has been beautiful!! No rain, no wind, and hot temperatures. I spent a good part of my Saturday weeding. Working in my gardens is so therapeutic. Hours can go by and I don't even notice. Also, weeding is something I can do. I just sit there exerting no energy. It was nice. My garden is almost all the way planted. I have too many plants that I started in my basement. If my plants survive this spring’s crazy weather then I am going to have TONS of tomatoes and squashes.

I know it's kind of weird, but I wanted to record our favorite family meal. Well, it's mine and Brandon's favorite and all the kids will eat it. Grilled chicken. I tenderize the chicken (pounding it is the best method) then let it marinate in Zesty Italian dressing for a few hours (something our neighbors the Grahams taught us) and then Brandon does his magic on the grill. I don't know of anyone who has been able to cook chicken better than Brandon on the grill. He does a great job and I love it when he cooks.

We usually have angel hair pasta with Alfredo sauce or homemade fried rice with the chicken but tonight (because of the warm temperatures) we wanted salad. Of course Brandon had his green salad with Thousand Island dressing, but I wanted something a little more traditional.

When my extended family gathered together (on either of my parent’s side) I remember there always being a huge variety of salads and side dishes. I really miss this. It sounds silly - but I do. Hardly anyone in my family will eat any kind of salad so I rarely make them, but today I wanted a potato salad so I made it. I even put my home canned pickles from last year in the salad and it was soooooo good. Both Conner and Ashlynn liked it. I'm going to be making more and more of these salads that my family made while growing-up. In fact, I think that I'm going to put together a recipe book of salads and side dishes.

Brandon asked me to make rolls today. Our church has been starting at 2 pm for the past year which makes preparing a Sunday Dinner hard. I haven't made very many rolls in the past year. Whenever I make them I think of my mom. Today I was feeling sentimental. Despite what she thinks, she was a domestic diva in the kitchen. She has taught me almost everything I know about cooking.

This is the recipe I grew-up on. My mom always made her rolls in the crescent shape which is how I do it. It's my favorite way. She taught me to roll the dough into a circle and to spread butter all over and then to reapply the butter on top of the rolls after they are cooked.

I also remember her making cinnamon rolls with some of the dough. I specifically remember a time when we lived in Rose Park and I was helping her make rolls one Sunday. I always loved helping her in the kitchen. When she started to roll the dough into a rectangle instead of a circle I asked her why. When she told me that she was making some cinnamon rolls I was so excited. I can still see her mixing together the cinnamon and sugar. She then spread butter all over and sprinkled so carefully the cinnamon and sugar over the butter. I just stood there watching . . . taking it all in. The leftover cinnamon and sugar was always used on toast for the next day or two.

Tonight was our first harvest!! Radishes. I'm don't love radishes but I do like them. I grow them because they are always the fastest vegetable to grow in my garden. My mom always put radishes in her macaroni salad - which I loved -. I think I'm going to make some this week. I also like radishes on my green salads.

The first time my kids were old enough to understand gardening (Kaylie was 5 and Ashlynn was 4) they were so excited when I plucked some radishes out of the garden. They couldn't wait to try them. I will never forget Kaylie's reaction. I think she was expecting to taste something like a strawberry, but when she took a bite of the radish her whole face showed her displeasure. She did take another bite and then declared "this is too spicy". At the time I was pleased that she could explain the taste "spicy". Ashlynn tried to pretend that she liked it. She wanted it to taste good because she was so excited to have grown it in our garden.

(See mom, the scale is perfect)

I wanted a vintage scale for Christmas this past year and my mom bought me one. I was so excited about it. When she came to visit and saw it, she hated it, but I told her I loved it and it was perfect for what I wanted to use it for. I think it's pretty perfect. The scale will be used a lot this summer.

Besides being beautiful flowers I have to tell you why this picture makes me so excited!! Can you guess? Do you know what kind of flowers they are??

They are flowers from my apple tree's that I planted five years ago. This is the first year that there are blossoms and I am so excited to have some apples come this fall. I have a sweet sixteen apple tree and a honey crisp apple tree. Let's hope that there is more then just a handful of apples.

I also have quite a few strawberry plants that I started from seed last year that have a lot of flowers on them. I love the beauty of strawberry flowers. They are so cheerful.

My very first tomato! I am so excited about it. My 11 early girl tomato plants look beautiful this year. I just took the wall o water off of them. Let's hope that the spring weather doesn't harm them anymore.

I planted these lilac bushes last year. Aren't they beautiful. I love lilacs.

My neighbor's son manages part of the grounds at BYU Provo. He was told to pull all of the tulips and daffodils and throw them away. He couldn't bare to just throw them away so he brought them to his parents. There had to of been thousands. Sister Ricks planted the majority of them in her yard, but she did bring me a few hundred. I thought that they were going to be plain red and yellow. I was way excited to see that they are anything but plain. They are beautiful and unique. I can't believe they were going to go in the garbage.

My dad gave me some of his Baskets Of Gold plants a few years ago while we were visiting them. This gold flower is growing prolifically throughout my gardens.

My eyes are starting to get tired so I'm going to check-in today. Let's pray for a beautiful week!!

Pregnancy Update

2011-05-23T16:32:00.000-06:00

I went to the doctor today. Things are looking good. I talked to him about all the cramping and lower back pain that I've been having and he confirmed what I thought, it's normal to be having labor pains this early. My uterus is measuring 38-39 weeks. My doctor put it like this, "you are measuring full term so you're going to feel full term. Your body is going to act like it's full term, this is why most mom's with twins deliver early." So, this is what I look like normally at full term and I'm still weeks away. I waddle, I groan and moan about how I'm so ready to be done and the thought that there is still 1-2 months left leaves me terrified. It will only get worse from here on out . . . but I'm a survivor and I'm so excited for these babies. We waited a long time for them to come and they are almost here.

Other stuff we discussed. I have to go get two steroid shots in two weeks. I am SOOOO not excited. I asked the doctor if it hurt (stupid question I know) and he said yes. Now I'm terrified. I don't handle pain very well. I'm a wimp I will admit. They don't give me the shots at the same time either. I have to get them two days in a row. I am not looking forward to that at all.

The doctor is upping my dose of metoprolol. Over the past week my symptoms have been getting worse. I really do have my good days and then I have horrible days. Friday was a horrible day. I had to get up and leave during Conner's preschool graduation. I tried to see what my heart rate was measuring but it was going too fast to keep up. I know that it was higher than 165, I'm guessing in the 170's. I felt like I was going to throw-up and pass out. That night I couldn't sleep until 3:30 am because of the chest pain. It takes me a few days to recover from these episodes. I did go see a cardiologist and he believes it's hyperthyroidism . . . which I don't understand. My T3 and T4 levels are back to normal though my TSH levels are still non-existent. I stopped going to the endocrinologist (a decision I made without consulting the OBGYN or endocrinologist) about 10 weeks ago because my T3 and T4 levels were fine . . . but this just goes to show that I don't know more than doctors. I hope this goes away after the babies are here, my sister's did. Doctor Levitt told me that if it continues to get worse then "we will start consulting with a endocrinologist for the remainder of the pregnancy". Yay for me (there was tons of sarcasm in that response). He also told me that from here on out I will only be seeing him because the PA is not trained to deal with my sort of issues. I'm starting to wonder . . . who is?

All in all, things are looking good. I think both of the babies heads are down which means I can deliver naturally. The doctor did tell me that most mothers of twins deliver between 32-35,36 weeks in his office. That would put me at about the first of July. He said that few ever go as long as 38 weeks and if they do, he induces them at about 37-38 weeks so there are no problems with the babies. I'm starting to lose hope that my mom will be here for the delivery.

The end is in sight!!

Weekend of May 14th

2011-05-17T13:44:00.000-06:00

We traveled to Logan this weekend for the girls last competition. It's good that it's the last because there is no way I can travel anymore. I had some serious back pain while driving that has lasted for a few days now. The trip was much more relaxed then the Roy trip though. We stayed at the Holiday Inn Express which was so much nicer then the Day's Inn (which was a complete hole). After dinner the girls had time to swim and they had a lot of fun. There were a lot of girls who stayed at this hotel so Kaylie and Ashlynn were able to swim with all of their friends.

Ashlynn had already gone back to the room to take a shower when I took this picture. :(

I couldn't take any pictures of this dance competition but they did good, though it was quite eventful. Their first dance was at 8:45 am so they had to be there at 7:45 in the morning. They did great. Then their next dance was at 10:10 am. About 20 minutes before their dance one of the moms told Gerti that she forgot her daughters skirt so she went and bought another one but spray painted the top green instead of yellow. Gerti got all frantic and gathered all the girls skirts to paint them green also (she couldn't have one green and the rest yellow). Well, while she was doing that, one of the corrdinators came in and told us that they are ahead of schedule and there was three dances until our girls were suppose to dance. So Sam started to herd all the Tiny's out the door with no skirts. I walked down the hall to watch the girls dance and ran into Gerti coming back. I told her they were dancing in just a few minutes so she started booking down the hall with all the skirts barely spray painted green. As I walked into the auditorium our girls were called on stage. I didn't expect to see them with their skirts BUT they had them. I think the girls were a little flustered by the whole thing because the beginning started a little shaky. I don't think they got first this time. They still did good though. Our girls have really enjoyed dance. Kaylie is excited to be a mini next year. Brandon is slowly starting to enjoy it also. He enjoys watching his kids. The dances are fun.

Because they ended so early, we made it back into Idaho Falls by 1:30. We had to go get Conner from Pam's and Brandon has been wanting to plant corn in his mom's garden because she has a large enough garden for corn. Corn needs a large area to grow so it pollinates correctly. I haven't really wanted to but I've made it clear that there is no way I can weed the garden, thin out the corn, and do all that stuff. He still wanted to plant it. He loves fresh corn. We also wants to plant more green beans (meaning we have some in my garden, but we want to plant more in Pam's garden too) because our family LOVES canned green beans from the garden. Store bought doesn't even compete. So, when we got home we all changed our clothes so we could go work in the garden a little bit.

When we got to Pam's, Conner was all shy and being ornery. He always get's this way when he misses us. He just doesn't know how to handle his feelings. Brandon picked him up and handed him to me. Conner curled up on my lap and wouldn't move for about 1/2 hr. When I tried to move him (cause I was uncomfortable) he would complain and move back. He finally fell asleep and when he woke-up he was cheerful and happy again. We all missed having Conner with us and it's evident he missed us too. We are just so used to doing and going everywhere together. I'm sure he had a lot of fun at Pam's though.

Kaylie was the most help out of all the kids while planting the corn. She helped lay the seeds and then cover them with dirt. It was a big job. I wasn't going to help, but being a gardener I couldn't stay away. Between Brandon, Kaylie, and me we were able to get all of the corn seeds planted.

Afterwards, Brandon went and worked with his horse. He rode her quite a bit. I'm glad he likes having the horse, in fact, he's already wanting to buy more but I keep telling him that we need to wait until we move. Pam made a great dinner that really hit the spot and she had strawberry shortcake for afterwards, something I've been craving my whole pregnancy. The kids were all starting to get really tired so I had to go pry Brandon off of Koda. He let all the kids have a ride on her (I couldn't take any pictures because it had started to rain by then) and then we finally packed up. When we got home at about 8:30pm, we were all exhausted from the day. It was a busy day. Kaylie was crying about everything (she was so tired). Ashlynn was being goofy and weird because she was so tired and Conner was just trying to fall asleep.

It's nice to finally have Spring here.

Daffodils

2011-05-16T08:54:00.000-06:00

I love Daffodils. I always have. They are so cheerful and they put a smile on my face when they finally bloom after such a long winter. My front flower beds are north facing, so those flowers come-up after a lot of my neighbor's flowers do. For a few years that bothered me, but now I'm OK with it because there is color all over our neighborhood for longer. The Rick's flower beds across the street are BEAUTIFUL this spring. The cluster of daffodils this year are my largest and they are eye catching. I know they aren't going to last much longer, but they are gorgeous while they are here.

Lessons in Humility

2011-05-06T11:08:00.001-06:00

For the past few weeks I haven't been feeling my best. I've been very tired and I've had a hard time breathing. I'm measuring 35 weeks because my baby girl is pushing to see how high she can go. I often feel her feet and hands underneath my right rib. I believed she was the cause of my hard breathing. I was having a really hard time breathing last Saturday (when I was at the dance competition) and Sunday. I had to get up in the middle of sacrament meeting and go out in the hall to stand because breathing was getting too difficult. I had an appointment Monday morning with the PA (poor guy). While I was there my pulse was racing in the 140's. The nurse seemed concerned. When I went in with the PA I nearly passed out when he had me lay down on the table to check the babies heart beats. I told him I was having a hard time breathing and he basically told me what I believed it was, the baby pushing on my diaphragm. I was about to leave when I asked him if it was fine that my pulse was so high. He didn't seem too concerned, but I think he decided to recheck it to please me (because of what happened before). It was still racing in the 140's. He told me that he would just check with the doctor to make sure everything was ok -- he felt it was fine because it was my heart rate, not my blood pressure -- but he would get with me later because the doctor had just ran off to the hospital. About 1/2 hour after I came home he called and the first thing he said to me was "I really hope we can still be friends after this. I've consulted with Doctor Levitt and he wants you to be at the ER within 20 minutes. He believes you have a blood clot. Do you live close?”

Quite a bit surprised, I told him that I needed to drop a lunch off for my daughter, but I could be there in about twenty. Thankfully I have a friend (whom I consider more like a sister) who is always so willing to help me no matter what her day is like. She took Conner while I drove myself to the hospital. Brandon met me there and I'm so grateful to have a husband like him. This is such a cheesy statement, but he is my rock. My emotions were everywhere, but just the sight of him made me feel so comforted. To make a long story short, when I walked into the ER my heart rate was jumping from 120-160. They ran an EKG and took a ton of blood. Apparently the test they looked at for blood clots came back bad. He said it was very high so they wheeled me off to get an angiogram. At one point a nurse from the maternity ward came to record the heart rates of the babies. When they made me lie down and put the heart rate monitors on my stomach, my heart jumped to 160 and I nearly passed out again. They already had me on oxygen, but they bumped it up and put an oxygen mask over my face. I felt stupid. I don't feel sick. Well, the doctor found no blood clots at all. I was sooooo relieved especially after our neighbor nearly died of one last year. I asked the doctor if it's just the baby pushing -- still believing that this could be the cause -- and he said no, unfortunately not. He diagnosed me with PSVT which stands for Paroxysmal Supraventricular Tachycardia. This basically means the "sudden onset of fast heart beating". He then said that my OBGYN wanted to meet with me before they put me on any medication.
I think seeing all the wires hooked up to me, and seeing me nearly pass out, and seeing how much the oxygen would help has kind of freaked Brandon out. He was invited to go Bear Hunting this weekend with some friends. I've been telling him to go for weeks. Since this has happened, he keeps saying that he's nervous leaving me. PSVT is not life threatening and I keep telling him that.

I met with the doctor on Wednesday. He wants me to go see a cardiologist because apparently this is not a pregnancy symptom. He thinks that the symptoms are much worse because of my pregnancy. He also thinks that I've had these symptoms in other pregnancies which is funny that he mentions this because there were a few attacks in my last pregnancy with Conner (once I actually went to the ER) that feel very similar to these. The ER doctor believed it was a gallbladder attack and I did have a very diseased gallbladder so I believed it was gallbladder attacks I was having. Well, those were very, very painful. I literally could not breathe and I had chest and upper back pain. I have not had any attacks during this pregnancy that have been that severe, though they seem to be getting worse and worse. I don't want to go see a cardiologist which is making my mom and Brandon upset. The doctor gave me a prescription of the same medicine that helped lower my heart rate at the hospital. I was reading the warning labels and possible side effects and now I don't want to take the meds either. So frustrating.

I like to be healthy. I take pride in the fact that so far in my life, I've had impeccable health and I want to keep it that way. That's one very big reason I exercise. There is almost nothing quite so frustrating then not having any control over a situation. I don't. I don't have any control over this situation and that is extremely frustrating. Apparently the Lord is seeing that I need a lesson in humility.

At least I had 6 weeks where I felt great. Let's hope there are no more bumps in the road throughout the rest of my pregnancy. Brandon doesn't think my body will last past 36 weeks but I really hope to make it to 38 weeks for the sake of my twins and for me. My mom fly's out here that week. When Conner was born Brandon could only come to the hospital a few times for short periods. It was very lonely. If my mom is here, she can stay with my kids all the time so Brandon can be at the hospital with me a lot more. Let's hope I make it. I guess the Lord is trying to teach me to ask for his help. Help to make it through the rest of this pregnancy with no more problems. It takes humility to see that I can't do this on my own anymore.

Sea World

2011-05-03T20:37:00.000-06:00

Sea World was WONDERFUL!! The animal shows were so fantastic; our kids wanted to see them for a second time.

This is a bad angle, but it's the backside of two dolphins leaping. We were surprised at how high these dolphins leap.

After seeing the trainers doing stunts like these with the dolphins, I wanted to become a trainer.

She's not even tied onto anything.

The dolphins were quite charming.

The dolphin show was so much fun but the Shamu show was by far our favorite. The size of the animals were breathtaking. Each stunt literally made us awwwww! Look at the killer whales size compared to the trainers.

When the animals would do stunts together they were so incredible in sync; how in the world do they train them to do it perfectly.

This is a pilot whale. Their size was incredible.

Sea World had a tide pool with star fish and sea urchins. The kids had so much fun holding the star fish. They were beautiful fish.

Sea World has some really fun rides. I couldn't go on any, but it was fun to watch the kids.

We would totally go again.

Dance Competition

2011-05-01T20:37:00.000-06:00

Last weekend was a dance competition in Pocatello. It was a little different. The competition was small. Our dance company was amazing. They did the awards differently. Instead of having a 1st, 2nd, 3rd place and so forth. The scoring was based on each dance. It is a point system and there were no divisions (so our girls were scored against the older more advanced groups).

There were only rankings.....Diamond was the highest 100-90 pts then Ruby 89-80 pts and such.
Hey Mickey received a Diamond
Down Set Hut also received a Diamond
They also gave out special awards!!! IDS received 3 special awards.
Hey Mickey received judge’s choice . . . only 4 of these were given out.

This weekend the girls had another dance competition in Roy Utah. It was HUGE!! I didn’t realize how big Roy High is. There were dances going on ALL day starting at 8 am and going until 5 pm in the high school’s large gym, small gym, little theatre, and the stage. The competition was insane. There had to of been thousands of dancers there. My girls had a lot of fun, though it was a very long day. We’ve heard that our girls tiny team won 1st in both of their dances, though it’s not confirmed yet. They are pretty awesome. Gerti and Sam (the two main instructors for the dance teams) are AMAZING. Kaylie really loves dance. She loves the hip hop. When we would watch lyrical dances she got bored, but she talks about dance all the time. In fact, she is going to dance her hip hop routine SOLO at her school’s talent show. She is much braver then I ever was. We were all exhausted by the end of the day. I was very impressed with Brandon and Conner. They watched a lot of dances. Conner at one point fell asleep. Brandon never complained. We had five hours to kill between their two dances, so we took them to the Olive Garden for lunch. They LOVED it. Both of the girls ate all of their lunch and Conner ate ½ of his spaghetti. We have a hard time getting him to eat anything that’s not candy. Then we went to Babies R Us and finally bought something for these two babies that are coming soon. We bought a nice double stroller. When Brandon saw what he wanted, he was sold. It feels weird finally buying something for the babies. I think it feels weird because it means that it’s real. I really am having two babies. I have bought some clothes but that’s it. We still have A LOT to buy. All we have is a crib (no bedding) and a high chair. My sister is giving me her car seat which I’m gladly taking because I know she never goes cheap. I’m confident that the car seat is still nice and in good condition. The drive home from the competition was long because we were all tired, but it was a fun weekend. I love doing these things together as a family. These times make us close and build our families ties.

While waiting, this sweet teenage girl sat down with the tiny's and taught them how to play telephone. I wish I could hire her to babysit (though we do have a pretty awesome babysitter when we can get her). They had so much fun.

I couldn't get Kaylie to take a pictures, so I only have one of Ashlynn

My Crazy Life

2011-04-28T19:09:00.002-06:00

Life has not slowed down since we came back from San Diego. In fact, it's going 100 miles an hour. I still have a lot of pictures to post about San Diego and now Easter. When we came back I was feeling really great. In fact I made homemade bread and did all the laundry from our trip in one day. That’s amazing for me. As the week progressed life just sped up. OK, it sped up from the very beginning. We had one dance at a high school and a dance competition on Saturday. The girls had their normal dance practices (and one extra one on Wednesday) plus their music lessons. They also had piles of homework they had to catch-up on. I also started training a man last week for a triathlon. Twice a week for six weeks. I also spent the whole week putting together two softball teams for my girls. While I was in San Diego I had a few moms of my daughters friends call and ask if I knew of a team or was putting a team together for softball this year. I decided to put them together but told everyone that I cannot coach. That was more work than I thought it would be. Brandon had a ton of work meetings and work to catch-up on. My garden was needing to be started and Easter had to be planned. It was a busy, busy week.
Easter turned out perfect this year. This was Brandon's family’s off year for Easter which I was a little bummed about because that meant I had to cook the whole meal but it turned out nice. Saturday morning before the dance competition we took our kids to the Ammon City egg hunt. My girls did not like it. What's fun about having to fight for 6 eggs in just a few second? It was funny listening to the parents telling their kids "strategies" for getting the most eggs. My girls fought over one egg that was right in front of where we were standing while we waiting, but when the siren started they both dashed off somewhere else. I don't think they will do it next year. The younger groups were fine, the kids don't fight for eggs then, though Conner did not like it either. He is shy and timid which is portrayed as meanness. He ran out when the siren started but then came back to Brandon and wouldn't pick-up a single egg. Brandon was frustrated to say the least. Ashlynn really didn't like the egg hunt. She wanted the slower hunt where everyone got a fair chance. Anyways. The weather was nice that day, so when we got home in the evening we all went outside and planted my peas, broccoli, and radishes. This year Brandon is helping me garden since it’s a little harder for me . . . ok a lot harder. He likes the garden about 3/4ths as much as I do, so he's willing to put forth some effort. We grilled some hamburgers for dinner and then I headed to the store for a few more Easter things and Brandon's mom came and gave our kids a few fun things for Easter. When I came home from the store I sat down and colored some Easter Eggs with my kids. They LOVED this. They were all really excited to see the eggs change colors.

Pam gave the girls these hats for Easter. Kaylie loves her. Ashlynn's is still a little too big, but Kaylie wears it all the time.

Can you tell Ashlynn still has her make-up on?

Because I love to take so many pictures, I've decided to only post a few on my blog but I'm going to put all of them in our families book.

The Easter egg hunt this year was so much fun. The kids LOVED going outside the most. The Easter Bunny hid the eggs hard this year, but the kids found them all. It was perfect.

The Easter Bunny hid the eggs very well this year.

I wish I had taken cuter pictures of them, but stress will impair judgment. :)

Don't you love Conner's white socks?

I have more stuff to post about Easter, but I'll do it in another post. What a great Easter this year.

Garden 2011

2011-04-22T22:46:00.001-06:00

This is mostly for my own personal reference. Brandon rototilled my garden today. The dirt was beautiful. I know cheesy right . . . but really it was. I don't think it could have been more perfect. The soil literally fell apart in my hands. It was dry with just a tiny bit of moisture in it. I love feeling the earth between my fingers. I felt bad asking Brandon to rototill this week because he has so much on his plate, so much. . . . but he was happy to do it for me. This spring has been a bit colder then the past few ones, but it's nice to finally start planting some seeds outside. I have a bunch of my own starts growing downstairs under my grow lights.

This is what I planted tonight after he rototilled.

I might have planted these carrots a little too soon, but we will see. I figure that if they can survive outside in the dirt all winter, they can survive early spring temperatures.

Ashlynn and Conner helped me plant the onion bulbs. They were a great team. Ashlynn placed them in the hole just perfect and Conner covered them with dirt.

Tomorrow I'm planting my peas and radishes. SOOOOO Excited!!

First Day At San Diego

2011-04-22T22:19:00.000-06:00

First: I hate posting these types of posts. I don't want to come across as bragging . . . because that is the last thing I'm doing. I'm posting all of these pictures for our family photo book. Any of you who know Brandon well knows that he takes a very long time to make decisions especially when it comes to spending money. We haven't been on a ton of big family vacations and I was shocked when he decided to go on one.
This all started last February when I was going threw the hardest part of my pregnancy. There was one Friday that I was not doing well. I wanted to escape from how horrible I was feeling emotionally and physically and I just kept dreaming of Hawaii. I wanted to escape to some beach and just lay out all day and do absolutely nothing with no responsibilities. I was planning on taking Kaylie to Maryland with me this Spring but when I thought about how much our life was going to change after these two babies arrive, my ideas started changing. The babies are due right around our 10th year anniversary. I started to say to Brandon "how about instead of me going to Maryland, we go to Hawaii for our anniversary?" He said look into it (which usually doesn't mean a whole lot). Then as I thought about it more and more, I didn't want to leave my kids. Yes, I am attached to our little family. I don't like leaving any one of them behind. I don't know when we will be able to travel as a family somewhere big again (because of the demands of two new babies) and I wanted to build great memories with my children. Some of my happiest moments in life and watching my kids and seeing them happy. I guess you could say I'm quite simple. I told Brandon that instead of just the two of us, how about we take our kids to Disneyland. He was kind of like "yeah, yeah". This was over the course of a few weeks. I was starting to feel better about things and so I dropped the idea thinking Brandon would never do something so rash. One day he called me up and asked me to come to his office for lunch. He had looked into going to Disneyland and was trying to pick some dates. I was in complete shock. As we looked at dates, the only week that would work was the second full week in April. To make a long story short . . . we found out that Disneyland is always very crowded and that the lines for rides could take as long as an hour. We didn't think our kids would handle that very well and plus . . . if you remember, I wanted to relax. You can't really relax at Disneyland. Brandon started to look into Sea World and staying in San Diego. We could hangout at the beach. After a long time of debates and confusion, we stuck with that plan. We were going to San Diego. I was so excited.

We rented a van (the gas mileage is incredible with vans) and we drove to San Diego. We stopped in Cedar City there and back. We stayed at the Abbey Inn which was a decent hotel with an incredible free breakfast. The kids didn't fight one single time. Brandon and I were both very surprised at how well they all traveled. By the end of the second day in the car the kids could barely contain themselves when we pulled into the hotel parking lot. There faces show how excited they were.

This is right out of the car

View of Mission Bay from our hotel room

View of the swim pool from our hotel room

The hotel saved these two Sea Lions and keep them there at the hotel. After we unloaded the van we all went to see them.

Beautiful Creatures

After we walked over to the Bay.

The kids were so cute. They slowly made their way into the water and then they were addicted. They LOVED the water.

Here they are, barely touching the water

And then their ankles

And then their calves

And then as far as we would let them

Conner thought it was great too.

It was fun driving threw different terrains. The kids were so excited to see palm trees for the first time. I think in Arizona. They just had to go touch the bark to see what it felt like. I was also surprised by the different terrain. I didn't realize how much of California is a desert. I soon realized that there are worse placed to live then here in Idaho Falls. Idaho Falls is actually quite beautiful, just a colder climate. There are areas that are complete holes. I couldn't even garden in a lot of those areas because it's a desert.

Here is one of my favorite photos. The beach photo's are by far the best from the trip.

After Kaylie found her sand dollar, Brandon found a slightly broken one for Ashlynn

She was excited.

San Diego Part 1

2011-04-19T22:16:00.001-06:00

I literally have about a thousand pictures to shuffle threw and then edit so this is going to take a while. I decided to start with some of the scenery pictures because that was the first thing I noticed when we stepped out of the car when we arrived in San Diego. There were flowers everywhere. It was BEAUTIFUL.

Bird of Paradise

these were everywhere

Don't they look so much like birds. Such beautiful plants.

Such beautiful sun sets

Beautiful Beaches

All road sides are lined with vegetation

Hibiscus are so . . . so beautiful. This picture doesn't do it justice.

Kaylie found this Sand Dollar in the sand while wading in the ocean. They are hard to find and she was very excited. Unfortunately, she left it at the hotel. At least we have a picture of it. The flower design on the sea shell is surreal.

I have always had a soft spot for geraniums and they grow in abundance here.